Corporate
Hell on Earth
14 October 2005
News of Departure for
You may know me for my published
books and my work in television and films, not under the name Mycroft Holmes of
course, but this is the only way I can actually write in English about my
experiences in
Up until now I mostly wrote in
French and thankfully none of you appear to understand French. However writing
in French has never got me anywhere despite my many published books, since
there is no market. So I had to find a new name, as it is anyway the fashion
for any aspiring actor in
A bit more than just aspiring,
since I have written many books and already worked on several series and films.
It does not matter in
So I will land in
Knowing my real name would not
change anything to you, I never got credited for anything I worked on, though I
was paid on all produced projects. I guess it compensates for all those long
nights I spent writing when I had to go to work the next day. I have no doubt
that if you are good at searching on the Internet, I will probably leave you
enough clues as to who I am, and probably you would find me out easy. What is
important, really, is that no one searching on my name or the projects I worked
on should find this blog, it is the only way for me to be truly honest and have
all the freedom to say what I want, what needs to be said.
I don’t intend to be that negative,
unless it turns out that I will go through hell whilst in
If I had to continue being so
unhappy and miserable, there is really no point in continuing this boring
existence. If nothing great happens to me in
So I have high expectations for my
moving into
I have learnt that much, that
wasting time is very easy. Any project could gobble up six months of your life
and you would have nothing to show for it afterwards since even the rights are
not yours. This is over, never again. And to arrive in
God, two more weeks, and I will
land in
Without too much expectation, you
cannot be too disappointed. And at the very least I will have this blog at the
end of it. If it is just to complain that nothing happens, I will eventually
just delete it and never give it another thought. So let’s see what destiny has
in store for me. Let’s move to
Blog – 20 October 2005
Changing my future, hoping for
success, one week before departure to LA
I’m in such a mess, and it is all
psychological. Counting the minutes before my departure for
Perhaps it is time that I truly
break with my past, and leave everything behind but the essential. I have lost
so many things in my life, because of these airplane regulations which oblige
you to have only two suitcases every time you move country. I know people who
will ship dozens of crates, even their cars, must cost a fortune, I can’t
afford it.
Every time I need to move out of a
country, everyone and everything turn into a nightmare, a place which in the
end, I am happy to leave behind. It happened in
At work we enter agreements
nightmare which could lead to court. Two more agreements need to be negotiated,
another thing which could take a few months of torment. I could not even do
anything about my last conference which was supposed to be finished by the time
I leave. As it stands, I have not even started. The new cat we bought shits and
pees everywhere every day, it seems the five other cats decided that it was now
permissible to do the same, so we live in a shit hole. I can’t wait to get out.
I have no more time to think about
philosophy of life, and anyway, I was going to try to avoid talking about this
here. Why? Well, people think I am already crazy, no need to confirm it so they
can act upon it and put me into a mental institution.
I was recently contacted by someone
who said he could change the future just by concentrating a lot and convincing
himself that what he wished for would definitely happen. I came to the
realization five years ago that I could do the same, and out of it I got
contracts to work in cinema and television when there was nothing really to
suggest I was ever going to end up working for that medium.
At the time I had written only one
film script, it was 10 years ago and it was an adaptation from a book. I had
forgotten about trying to change my future for the better, but I tried again
two months ago and my life went wild. My conferences which were flops suddenly
became successful overnight. My partner who was in deep trouble and was going
to lose his driving license and his job won in court. And I am now leaving for
However I am not certain if I was
ready for such a roller coaster, like, on the very next day that I would try to
change my destiny. I had more in mind something simple, just to make me happy,
and now it is happening on a massive scale. I am only talking about this now
because I don’t want to forget that once in
I’m not afraid of hard work, even
though I feel like a zombie right now, but hard work is not enough in
I know success is not an ingredient
for happiness. In fact, people who are driven as much as me, who dedicate their
life to succeeding, and spend all their energy, sacrificing everything and
everyone along the way to become famous, are the world’s worst sufferers. Because
these things take time, it is heartless, and you are left with a feeling of
having missed something quite huge once you succeed, or even worse, once you
accept that you will never succeed.
As a consequence, most people who
succeed on a massive scale are not happy and are unable to enjoy their success.
So they either need to succeed again and again, or somehow they realize that
and work now at becoming happier people, even if sometimes it means getting
away from it all.
This is not exactly encouraging to
be thinking about this stuff right now, I should get back to my big idea that I
will rock the boat in a spectacular way once I land in
That’s what logic does to you, it
makes you say stupid things that one day will prove without a doubt that you’re
worth nothing, that you were just crazy to begin with.
Blog - 22 October 2005
Surviving management and change at
work, how to live an exciting destiny good enough to write a book
It is Saturday, exactly one week
before I leave
However, I was truly disappointed
with
Unless I was truly good at it,
which I believe after one year in
So I have to wish that within weeks
I can reach that same point with my new employers, and if they are as disorganized
as a company as I was led to believe in the interview, I may actually be the
expert who will save their company. I have ten years of experience on the
subject, surely I have something of interest to communicate to them?
The only remaining problem is that
change takes a long time. Nothing can happen overnight. Dissatisfied employees
will definitely leave, even though they might have been the best. They are
always the first ones to go, they know they can succeed elsewhere without
having to complicate their lives with new processes which suddenly make their
life a living hell, by preventing them from doing what they are good at,
producing, selling.
It has been one year and a half in
my last job since change has started, you could easily say that nothing has
really changed yet. Another frightening thought. How long does it take for
results to finally appear? Well, it took me a year to achieve my goal. Now I
need to put this knowledge to good work, whatever it is that I am going to do,
we need to see tangible results within six months. Who am I kidding? It cannot
take less than a year.
The worst part is that I don’t even
know yet what it is that I have been hired for. At the beginning I was told
they were looking for a simple Conference Producer. Their website was claiming
to be looking for a Conference Manager, and my immigration papers are stating
that I was hired as a Management Consultant to turn around their business and
open new offices worldwide. Was it just for immigration purposes, or am I to
become this management figure finally controlling a few bugs that I will be at a
liberty to crush whenever I feel like it?
I’m joking. My idea of management
is moral and ethical, much more than everything I have observed up until now in
my short career. I am mister new management, compassionate but at the same time
looking for results. A mix of what a male Director or Manager could be,
compared with a Female Director or Manager. Being gay, I have the best of both
worlds. I am balanced. And I won’t freak out anyone, either the monsters in higher
management or the bugs under me.
I could not even see myself taking
out the “kill-fly” to wipe one of these bugs. Perhaps I am too much like women,
I should keep perspective here, I might need to squash a few of these bugs if
it becomes necessary, if I feel I am justified, if I feel there is no other
solution in sight. I would hate it, but I am prepared and ready for it.
Thankfully nobody can bullshit me
in this business, I have done everything for so many years, every single
position, I will know if someone is playing with me and I will lose all
respect. I will have to crush a few bugs, hopefully I will always act in a
moral and ethical manner, and for the right reasons.
Personal clash of personalities is
not good enough, no pettiness can get between me and the bugs. Like I hope
management won’t act like that with the bug that I will be in their eyes. Otherwise
this is when and where I will be thinking seriously about the mistake it was to
move to L.A. Oh God, I hope for so much, for so much which I have never
witnessed in my short life, a job that I would actually love, with people I can
actually bear!
Incidentally, today I have met both
my old bosses from one of my previous jobs. We met at the Pets at Home center,
so they could give me the last reference letter I needed for immigration. God
she was lovely, she looked great. A real American woman living some sort of
great destiny, but stuck with a stubborn British husband who started a
conference company in
He looked frozen, could not say a
thing apart from that they were now planning conferences in
Luckily the ones who came after me were
all incompetent, which is why today they appreciate me, and were kind enough to
write that great reference letter for me. They’re leaving for
I believe I talked lengthily about
suicide, I had problems with the employees. The very next day I stayed home and
almost told them I was resigning. I came back the day after and we found a
solution. The solution was simple, I was their boss, of the two bugs in sales
who were the problem. I tell them what to do, they do not tell me what to do.
It was an arrangement I could live with. And of all of us, they came out as the
bad guys, they felt bad about it, and I never had any trouble with them
afterwards.
That I was ready to sacrifice my
career over this at the time, is probably something they never thought I would
do. It caused maximum impact, they were reprimanded and probably threatened
with their jobs. At the time I thought it was not very ethical for me to do
this, to bring it all to such an extreme, but I have lived enough in this life
that I am not going to put up with any kind of shit, especially for a job. And
they quickly got back in line. Great management skills! This is exactly what I
need to avoid in
When I left my two previous bosses
today, I told them that we never know what the future is preparing for us. And
the man said: exactly. We were on the same wavelength, he thought and I
thought, that one day I will be working for them again. I would love that, I
would love to open their Chinese office, or whatever else they may have in
their plans. But it is over now, it is old history. I need to move on.
However her son lives in
Bush will become my President,
something I never ever considered before. While this madman was actually
deciding for people I had nothing to do with, it was ok, whatever the power he
has over this world. But now it is an entirely different story. This crazy man,
religious, fanatic, openly anti-gay, who believes he answers to God, and that
God speaks to him, will actually have quite a strong influence over my life. Especially
that
So far so good, my partner can come
to the
My actual Manager, who I called
Master Bitch of
I have fears that perhaps this will
not turn out to be true. I fear rejection, like what I have experienced in
They are so insignificant compared
to what I hope to achieve, and I would never act like they do no matter the
degree of success or failure I achieve. A small part of me wish to succeed so I
can go back to that fucking pub called Richmond’s Arms, and tell them all to get
lost!
It is more important to me than I
would like to admit. They certainly played a big part in my decision to move
out to
And I need all the motivation
possible, since there is not much else left to motivate me in succeeding in
What are my motivations? What is it
that I wish to accomplish in
Surely there must be other ways for
me to achieve that freedom? I have been searching all my life, and I have
assessed that perhaps succeeding as a writer must be my best shot at reaching
freedom. Which is certainly odd, since the probabilities that I will ever
succeed as a writer are so slim. I might as well wish to win a million at the
lottery. However, this is all that I have left. I will live out of writing and
I will earn enough to do whatever I want whenever I want. Do my job anywhere on
this planet at any given time.
And then I hope to be happy. Giving
me the chance to study and write more important stuff, like philosophy and
theoretical physics. I guess that is my ultimate goal. My only goal. Anything
could give me that chance, I only need money falling from the sky.
Why do I feel that my only way out
is to succeed in
My life has to be more exciting and
interesting than the average block, if I wish to stand any chance to be read. I
would not be talking like this if I had not written already more than 20 books,
you can rest assured. I stand some chance to be remembered, at least in Québec,
where I come from. Though they are barely aware of my last two published books,
since distribution has mainly been in
I feel my destiny so far has been
distinctly different from any of my colleague writers. And I feel I am about to
experience the ultimate life in
So my success in
As long as I live through enough
bullshit to write about it, either in French or in English, nothing else is
important. It can all come from the famous conference world as far as I am
concerned, whether it is in
Oh dear, I have now mentioned the
word
The fact is, I have no idea where I
will end up doing in my life. Is there a reason for me being shipped to
I have not work at all on my
scripts in the last year, not even one line. My websites were not updated at
all, even if I wrote two books in that year. Let’s see, what can one surmise
from this? Well, assuming that none of the two books I have written will ever
go anywhere, which is what is most probable since I won’t bother sending them
to publishers from a lack of time and money, and they are not in the field or
language of what my actual publishers publish, then there must be a more
logical reason to all this.
Working in conferences is a mean
for me to achieve some sort of ultimate goal, which must be accomplished in
How could I not now believe in
destiny? In some sort of higher power, be it God or deterministic laws of
nature, leading me somewhere? Could it not be related to the film industry?
Could it be something entirely different? Am I to believe that I am sent to
L.A. to write about how I wish to succeed and then fail spectacularly, just to
write about it and discourage a whole generation of people to not abandon
everything, sacrificing their life in the process, in order to avoid the only
town in this world which could make their dreams come true, but would
ultimately destroy them completely to the point where only suicide remains? Better
that than going back home, wherever home is.
No, I feel I am destined to something
much larger, with a much higher purpose. And I am reading right now what it is
that would qualify as what it is that I wish to achieve with my life. It is
called Rama. Four books written by Arthur C. Clarke and Gentry Lee (but keep
the first one for the end, since it is the least interesting books of the four).
If I can write something like that before I die, then I feel all will be ok.
However, if I do not feel I can reach out like Arthur C. Clarke can, then it
will be a failure.
I do not write for a few thousand
people, not even a million. I want to write for the masses. I want to have a
deep impact. I want to change the ways of a whole nation, of a whole country, how
they think. I have no small ambition, otherwise I am ready to die right here
right now. It does not matter whether I live or die.
However, in the 20 books or so I have
written until now, I do not feel I have reached my goals. I have not yet
written my Rama series. And would it be sufficient anyway? Rama is not
considered like the best work of Arthur C. Clarke, we barely hear about it. But
God, there could not be a better series in science fiction to help you
understand what this world is all about. What we, as human beings, are actually
doing which will definitely lead to our ultimate destruction. Reading that
series, I am ashamed of being a human being, I really am. I feel powerless to
change this world. Do I have to do something to change it for the better,
changing people’s mind, activating something in their brain? What a goal.
Perhaps I should be killed now,
before I have to think too much about how I will ever achieve that impossible
task. I wouldn’t mind, death has always been welcomed in my lair. Ultimate
freedom, liberty, even if it is just about turning the machine off. I would
love it more than you will ever understand.
What possesses me to continue and have
these weird passions about achieving something grand and universal, is beyond
my comprehension. Perhaps we all have a role to play in this existence, in the
destiny of human kind. And even though it is not simple, we still have to play
the game. And I will play it, to a certain extent, but it better happen soon or
else I will lose patience.
I am tired, I am fed up, I better
get myself somewhere quickly, I better see that big scheme in action, which I
suspect, or else I will lose faith, abandon everything and never look back. Or
can I? Perhaps not. Must be in my genes, in my nature.
There is no escape, and that is
what this higher power or these laws of nature know, that I don’t. I don’t even
have the freedom to kill myself or retire somewhere alone in a forest. I just
can’t. I am moving to
All that I have said in the last
paragraph assumed that I believe in some sort of higher power or some sort of
deterministic laws of physics. It would not be completely true to say that
these are my beliefs. I do think I had a strong part to play in everything that
is happening to me right now. I wished for it and then it happened. No mater if
somehow it happened completely out of my conscious control.
I did not apply for a job in
In that case I would have certainly
planned for myself a few interesting experiences in
Sometimes I think that I think too
much about the significance of everything in one’s life. At this time I feel
justified, because it is too weird, too impossible. I have beaten the odds, it
must be significant, it must mean something. It could lead to an understanding
of what the mechanisms of existence are all about. Is there a structure
regulating what one must live?
Nothing has ever been enough for
me, I always needed more, it is beyond comprehension. If I don’t succeed at
anything, changing irrevocably what we are as a race, then my life is just not
worth it. It makes no sense, I don’t understand where this comes from. Could it
come from the fact that I feel everything is wrong in this world? That
everything could be much better and that somehow I can contribute to this massive
shift in thinking and behavior? Can I?
Through fantasy perhaps, science fiction,
like Arthur C. Clarke? How could we measure the impact of that one man on
human’s destiny? Quite high, he has inspired Nasa and everyone working there.
He has inspired every single sci-fi movie I have seen so far. He has changed
lives, he has given us some sort of background information for us to act and
react. It is possible to have a large impact via fiction, via science fiction. He
is a big influence on this world. If everyone were to read his books, they would
think completely differently and think twice before going to war and changing
this world irremediably.
So I could at least reach that
level, it is within my powers to change something on a massive scale, even via
fiction. I have an empire to build then, as big as the one of Arthur C. Clarke.
And I feel I have the right disposition mentally and philosophically to lead us
all to a better and happier place.
That is also quite important, since
I am no stranger to wild ideas like perhaps the destruction or annihilation of
the whole human race is the best solution, before we destroy the whole universe
by inadvertence. Got to get back on earth, think in simpler terms. How can I
best achieve my goals? Got to forget all my extreme ideas, got to think some
more. I have a mission, I have to accomplish it somehow. No small mission.
It is sad that it is only in a few
decades that I will be able to assess if I have succeeded in my mission. I
might even be dead by the time I have any impact. And it does not matter, as
long as I stop talking and start acting. And
So there I am, fiction, science fiction,
is to be my life, to make the world understand that we need to find peace and
happiness somehow, whatever the costs. No small destiny, I’m certainly
pretentious enough to succeed. How could you anyway achieve great things if you
did not even believe you could achieve them in the first place? This is why I
am going to
Who am I kidding? I must be drunk
again. Do I believe any of that stuff? It would be nice if it was true, in any
way. Or perhaps I am just building myself a great destiny where I am somehow a
prince and another prince will save me from my misery. Could be true, and it
might never happen, however the coincidence is too impressive to ignore. I am
going to
Mycroft Holmes in
Four last days of work in
I have been playing so hard
recently at reorganizing my life, using my pseudo-technique of changing my
future, and convincing myself that what I wanted was actually already a
reality, that every time I walk on Westminster bridge to go to the pub on my
lunch hour, I am questioning what is real and what is not. I fear that I dreamt
up this whole business of moving to
It seems a bit too convenient to
wish something and get it almost right away, no matter how huge is the dream. I
have problems to adapt to the fact that I can actually achieve what I want just
by wishing it and believing it without any doubt. It really puts a twist on
this reality, it feels much more like I am in some sort of Matrix, and any day
now I will be contacted by Morpheus.
I am also worried that I might just
be completely mad and ready for the asylum. I feel this is not real, none of
it, nothing in this life. It is just like a dream, a real one, and I am in
control. However it would be easy to start doubting and lose it all. Get back
to something I don’t particularly want.
That’s how I feel, I am questioning
reality, and at the same time I feel like I am reaching a new understanding of
the mechanisms of existence, which have nothing to do with how I interpreted
existence for the first 30 years of my life.
There are a set of values and reasons
to exist that I had built up in my mind which was my personal philosophy of
life, which is now due to be rethought completely in light of the facts that I
can change my future and make it the exact way I want.
What does this say about my role
and the role of each human being in this universe? How can I now picture this
world we live in? Am I just making the best of some natural laws of physics, am
I tapping into some sort of ESP power that many mediums on this planet have
been exploiting for centuries without being able to express and identify what
was exactly happening, since just about every scientific mind just reject
whatever it is that they can actually achieve?
Is this why I don’t consider these
possibilities, because it is just crazy and impossible in the first place? How
can I doubt it now? When everything I wished for in the last few months became
a reality? Except perhaps winning at the lottery, however I admit that I was
unable to believe that I would win, since the probabilities seemed too
impossible for my poor mind. So I do have limits, I truly need to believe that
whatever I want can actually happen. And if it is that easy to believe, it is
also very easy to doubt at the last minute and lose it all.
So I have to believe that this
reality is very much a virtual one, that matter and energy can be interchanged
at will, that I have enough brain power to change the configuration of this
world, or at the very least, I can switch between parallel universes or
realities at will. And whatever I can think of, whatever I can dream up, can
easily become the reality I will be evolving in.
Do I still have things to learn
then? Obstacles to overcome just so I can acquire some sort of experience I
would perhaps have set myself at a subconscious level? I am not sure anymore.
What about karma, and what you do comes around? Not so sure anymore. You could
still be a bad person and be happy and succeed beyond any hope. There would not
be any punishment. The consequences are after all just virtual and ultimately
affect only one person, myself.
No one else is actually real, I can
switch it all, change it all, in one day. It could only truly affect me if I
believed in some sort of moral and ethical code and I was actually adhering to
it. Because then, doing something bad would make me depressed, when in fact
there is no need to and I could get away with murder without even giving it a
second thought. Not that I intend anyway to change my way of thinking morally
and ethically, on the contrary. However I do not believe anymore in a system of
punishment, or should I?
Perhaps this is all bullocks and it
does not change anything if suddenly I can change my future or not. Perhaps it
was always there, I just never believed it in the first place, and my success
rate was near to zero, when now it is at 90%. I cannot ignore this anymore, it
took me five years to get back at working at changing my future, I cannot stop
again. I have to get somewhere, and then I will see what I can do, what I
should do. Because this also escapes me.
Maybe I should think in terms of
what it is that I want to do, and then do it, instead of these terms of what I
am supposed to be doing and trying to figure that out. Perhaps nothing is
planned after all, perhaps the only destiny that exists, is the one we build
for ourselves.
Is life just a game? Or has it got some
sort of higher purpose? I have absolutely no answer, not even a clue. I had the
time to build myself a philosophy of life using bits and pieces found
everywhere, from every philosophy and religion, and now I guess it is time to
throw all that away.
Only simple observations of where I
am and what my potential is, need to be considered. Take it one day at a time,
and reassess every day what is going on, what this life could all be about or
could lead me. Perhaps my existence has more in store for me, to surprise me
and excite me. I certainly need any kind of motivation, just to remain alive
and continue to work for no apparent good reason. Will
Mycroft Holmes in
Last day in
This is my last day working in
I have said before that I was ready
for such a destiny, that I was waiting to get out of the solar system as
quickly as the technology would permit, and that I would invent it if
necessary. Well, going to
It is certainly on the other side
of the planet as far as
I’m sure
I can no longer deny that my life
has been to produce conferences. It has now been ten full years in
This hate-love affair is far from
being over, since I just signed a contract with a company who want a career
man. And it is not excluded in my mind that this is it. My very last career
move might be this company I will be with for the next 10 years, instead of the
usual 1 to 2 years. It would mean that I finally found the right job,
management, where apart from thinking and writing reports, I won’t have to
actually produce conferences. Oh irony.
My last day! This is the last time
I am in Putney, on my way to London Waterloo. Tonight it will be
I feel so weird this morning, and
we’re going to the pub at lunch time for a farewell drink, I hope I won’t do
anything stupid. I certainly feel right now like climbing on the roof of the
train to sing and dance all the energy contained in my little body. It would be
my luck to just faint and fall on the track two days before my liberation, my
escape, my revolution. As it is how I perceive this move to
Clapham Junction, for the very last
time. If
I fear I will very much look like
an alien in
I must trust that destiny is
leading me somewhere and that I will get there eventually. But it has to move
fast, I need to move fast, everything needs to happen within weeks, not months
and years. I need my way out of conferences, I need my freedom, and
unfortunately this means success and money. I can’t think of anything else
which could bring me the sort of freedom that I wish for.
29 October 2005
Over the
That is it, I am now flying over
the Atlantic, on my way to
I was not sure what to think, to
rejoice that one major step will now be eliminated, and I will only have to
suffer the pain of being frightened at the customs only once, or if I should
start to worry that perhaps my dear Mr. Bush has decided to take over the
Canadian borders and, Canadians being so nice for no good reason, being in
their nature, have let Bush take over. My only hope is that it will make it
much simpler for me to get my visa.
Although everything is completely
legal, you never know what will happen, when the law is still in the hands of
people who enjoy wrecking entire lives just to prove to themselves they have a
little power in this world. Their doubts is all they need to stop you right
there from accomplishing your destiny. However, after years of experience dealing
with European democracy and immigration, I am not afraid anymore.
Twice in the plane I had a panic
attack, finally having a glimpse of what it is that I have done. It seems to me
that I never had the chance to think this through, to understand the
implications. Hell, I had not even started to pack last night at 9 pm. As
a result I did not sleep last night and at the moment I am like suspended in
time, since we are going back in time at the right speed for time to stop.
So God knows how I will survive the
day until we reach
You work and work without ever
stopping, five days a week, three hours of travel a day. And on the weekend you
are rushing all these things you feel you need to do to make this life
worthwhile, otherwise there would only be work and sleep, and then, in these
conditions, death would be most welcomed. So at the end of your seven days, you
realize that you never even took one minute to think about what you were
actually doing. You just went over all the obstacles as if they were just
little hurdles, and everything would be better afterwards. But then I woke up
yesterday and realized I had to abandon my life after 10 years, the person I
love and my cats, to go and live somewhere alone, in a place I know nothing
about!
Is it a mistake? I just can’t
believe it, it was so easy, it really fell from the sky. And if in a few hours
I get my visa, then really it was so effortless, you wonder what happened to
the concept of adventure.
And I want it to be painless, in
the end it makes no difference to what you learn in life if you are just confronted
by walls, after walls. There are other things that need to be learned, some
other goals which need to be reached. Useless to spend your life worrying about
immigration, writing about it as if it was your whole life and nothing else
ever existed. You might as well go home then, since it would definitely not be
worth it.
There are other things I can learn
in
Though at the moment it does look
hopeless, stuck working for a conference company. It is at any rate much better
than being a waiter. Or is it? I could not even be a waiter if I wanted to now.
Only high profile and high paying jobs can keep me in the
31 October, 5 am
My first day in LA
I made it! I am right now at the
dawn of something, not sure what yet, and it is a bit frightening. I would not
say that I am scared, but close to it. I am on my balcony right now, it is 5
am, I am right in the Valley, though I have no idea which valley this is or
where I am exactly. The stars offer quite a sight, even if I know that only a
few can be seen in a city as large as
If I was afraid of rejection, my
first day has been quite successful. Already in the lobby of the
hotel-apartment complex where I live, a woman came to me and told me her life
story in no less than two hours. Offering me dreams and opportunities like
moving to
Now, how likely is it that any of
that would actually happen? Close to zero. Some people would offer you anything
just to have friendship, and I know that these friendships are too demanding
for any human being. Somehow she got from me my room number and the address
where I will work. I’m sure I have not heard the last of her, and Stephen is
freaking out about it.
And then I went to Ralphs to buy
some food. Everyone was over nice, talking to me like if a huge earthquake just
happened and they were suddenly so desperate to talk to someone about it, that
even strangers would do. Well, it is what would be required for anyone in
I don’t know what is wrong with
these Americans, they are so opened, so willing to meet new people, it is
madness. I feel a strong sense of community, I suddenly feel part of something
larger than just my small person. I am no longer this individual lost amongst
millions, but a component of some greater family called the human race.
Somehow I feel this is only temporary,
that it is a false sort of feeling that usually happens when you first move
somewhere. Every time I moved into a new country, I always met helpful people
ready to do anything for me, without anything in return, and in time this
subsides and it is life as normal. As if destiny knew I needed help, and all
these possibilities were suddenly falling on my doorstep.
I have to be careful though, not to
fall into any trap or friendship I don’t want. Not to believe anything anyone
says, because it is likely that they won’t deliver even on their friendship. It
could easily become a nightmare. At the same time, I need to have some wisdom,
and be able to understand when people are genuine and have a lot to offer.
Obviously I feel I have a lot to offer, however I know certain friendships are
doomed from the start. I need to give myself some time to let anything else
happen, and take it from there.
I am now more worried about my
first day at work. Can I deliver on all the promises I have made? Am I this
genius guy who will sort them out through my past experience? I have met yesterday
at the Airport one of the girls I will be working with, along with her
wonderful and peaceful new husband of two weeks. God she is nice, strong
personality, these are people I would love to have as friends. Her husband
works in the music industry, in the licensing I believe, and probably about the
use of music in films. I see no opportunity there except for good friendship,
and this is good.
Perhaps all my dreams and
expectations about succeeding in the movie industry have also subsided since my
arrival. I am not sure if it is because I feel that being here or in
Or perhaps it is that I have other
worries right now, like this new job and finding a new apartment. Both are huge
tasks to accomplish, and I am hopeful that I will succeed in being happy. I am
not certain if my budget will allow me something nice close to where I will be
working. And I know I will need a car, because just walking to the grocery
store took me 30 minutes, and I had to come back in a taxi. However the taxi
driver was a Canadian woman from
I just don’t know what to expect
next. I have to get ready to go to work.
2 November 2005
One bastard identified at work,
inexistent public transport, prison type apartments
Do I deserve so much attention? So
much niceties? A company going the next 100 extra miles to help me and even my
boyfriend to move to
So far so good, I think they think
they’re getting their money’s worth. It is not exactly what their number one
employee thought though, and yesterday I lost patience with him. He crossed the
line with me, and I was ready to go back to
Anyway, he was freaking out because
I knew nothing about the financial world, especially in
So, what he did after his lunch
break, is exactly what I expected he would do. He went back to all the bosses,
trying very hard to convince them that I was not only ignorant of everything,
but on top of it, I was quite insubordinate. It must have thrown him into a
spin, this office is filled with Yes Sir/Yes Madam type of employees. The
anarchist ones like me must have left a long time ago, I thought.
So he tried, he then kind of
disappeared for the rest of the afternoon, and I was expecting at any time to
be put on the side by one of my bosses to let me know I had been out of line
and that it was not acceptable. And I was ready to tell them that once again a
damn employer had hired an employee without giving him any clue about what he
would actually be doing. And that is simply not acceptable. And that if they
felt they had made a mistake with me, I would gladly go back to
The very next morning I had a new
best friend, who came back to me sheepishly talking to me with a big smile. In
fact I had a two hour meeting with him where he could only speak while
laughing. Must have been difficult to appear as appreciative as that, when I
know for a fact that an old tree like him must have hated every second of it. He
was defeated, I had won. Somehow I doubt this is the end of the problem. Why,
oh why, is there always a fucking bastard in every single job I ever had? The
one who will work very hard at destroying me at every corner? Why can’t it be
simple for once?
Well, he came back saying jokingly
that I must be the one person in the world who has worked for every single big
conference company in the world, and that I must be unique, that no one else
must have that much experience. Could he truly suddenly believe this? Or was he
trying to dig again, saying that I simply cannot keep a job? Try to keep a job
in conferences for years, in this industry filled with bastards and
backstabbers. Oh yeah, I had the extraordinary opportunity to have known them
all, to the point where suicide was my only way out. Not counting that a job in
conferences is so stressful, rare are the new employees who will remain after
six months. They are either sacked because of a lack of results, or they leave
because they can’t stand it anymore.
He had finally been told who I was
and why it is that I had been imported from the
The only other possible bitch, and
somehow there is always one in every company, is the woman in charge of admin,
payroll and HR. She could easily turn into a monster, she is also in charge of
finding out who’s late and who’s sick, and who’s leaving early (30 minutes
after the normal hour is considered too early). So far she has been very nice
to me, over nice in fact, I could almost believe that she will not turn out to
be a bitch. I know better.
I will have to break my back for
them, I know that much, and thankfully I do intend to break my back for them. It
pays off when you are working for a family instead of a corporation who does
not even know who you are and what you do for them, even after years of
success. So it might just work.
We went for a perfect lunch with my
bosses, Stephen and I. It was to present them my baby, and they were impressed.
They want to employ him, perhaps because he made it clear that he would not come
to
He told them that he was quite traumatized
by the
I knew the game. It is the game of
the prisoner or the patient with a psychologist, who needs to convince the
authority that he is a changed man in order to gain his freedom, when in fact
he is probably worst for it, for having gone through that process from hell. And
if he was not ready before to annihilate the world, he certainly is now,
disgusted as he must be for so much crap.
So I was quite calm while the
custom officer was getting excited. I had the perfect answer every time. So I
got the visa. End of story. However it seems to have convinced Stephen that he
will never get his own visa, so he almost decided to not even try.
The true reason however is his six
cats, his three tortoises, his 30 fish and crabs, and his two snakes. Add to
this his flat that he will need to rent to some lodger, and that is just too
much for him.
Also that he is not impressed by
I think he will never make the
jump. He did not appear that overwhelmed when I told him today that his sort of
job interview at lunch time with my bosses had been successful. That they saw
him as the new head of the future telemarketing department. God, we are so not
ambitious, it is ridiculous, almost a shame in the society we are living in.
So what do I think of
No car means that we cannot go
anywhere. The bus system sucks so much, one passes every hour, if it passes at
all, and it never goes anywhere. There are not even cabs in sight, you need to
call them, they take 30 minutes to arrive.
Finding an apartment is not easy
either. The place is either like a fortress and costs a fortune, or it is
filled with foreigners and there is so much violence, like random shooting on
the streets, that only a desperate person would ever rent a flat there.
Well, I am not that desperate, I
have a $60,000 a year salary for god’s sake, I am not about to be shot for no
good reason, even though there would be a nice poetic justice to this,
considering my state of mind in the last few years.
I would not mind dying on the
streets of
So I guess I will have to live in
one of these prisons where they charge a fortune for an unfurnished little
living room with a bed coming down from the wall.
10 November 2005
Problems with my Manager/Director
and other management issues
I have destroyed it now. A second
argument, in that many weeks. How many more can we have before I give up and
decide to go back to
What went wrong? What is it that
does not click between us? He said so himself, he is easy going, everyone loves
working with him, he looks like a nice guy. Is it just me? Am I unable to
accept any kind of authority and criticism?
I am certain that if I were to do a
search on the Internet under statistics, survey and Managers, I would discover
that it is the same story for a large portion of the population, when it comes
to their wonderful relationship with their direct line Manager. However there
are ways to deal with this, and I am just unable to deal with this kind of
shit.
It was clear on my face that I was
disgusted, ready to pack my bags and get out. Only $5,000 down the drain, but I
would feel justified, personality conflict with my manager. I just don’t like
him, his deep cavernous voice in the background makes all my body hair stand.
Is there something that I don’t
know? Something eating him and I am just suffering the consequences as a
by-product? Or have I succeeded in alienating him completely with my own
behavior? Let’s review this, so I can understand it better.
Last week… I can’t remember what it
was last week. It was so stupid, so unimportant, that I have already forgotten.
However I am very much living with the consequences now. I basically spotted
the problem on the very first day, if I remember correctly. Even if I still
have no idea what the problem was, but there was something. He was annoyed with
me from the first minute I walked into that office. I’m sure it was not his
decision to hire me, as it was not the one of my boss either. It was his wife.
Last week I thought it was my lack
of knowledge in the topic of their conferences and his impatience with me. This
week, it is that I appear to have been doing everything else except what he
asked me to do. I also take forever to do anything, because I have so many
other things on the side to sort out. He wants me 150% right away, it is just
impossible, not after what I have just been through. For God’s sake, I have
been here less than two weeks and I am far from being sorted out.
Feeling somehow guilty because my
bosses appear to see so much potential in me, whilst they are perhaps
completely mistaken, I worked so fucking hard writing them four more long
reports about my past experience. And these reports, they did not specifically ask
for them, but they did indirectly, with their questions and their desire to
know more.
I thought they would have been over
the moon by now. I have not heard a single word about my six reports of an
average of twelve pages each (I have written them a book!). It is like if I had
never written them. Perhaps I have freaked them out by giving them sensitive
files from the competitors, even if Telecoms is not related at all with what
they are doing, and these files are between 5 to 10 years old. Maybe they feel
I will eventually do the same with their files, who knows. I did not give them
a competitor’s database, I would never. Too late now to go back. They certainly
asked for such files in my first reports, and it was a direct request.
So I spent Monday and Tuesday
writing these reports, because I did not have enough of the weekend to do so. I
had already spent 6 hours this weekend finishing the work that the Manager
asked of me. This also went over their heads. It seems that they can believe
this can be done in two hours, when it took me days. I am sorry, either they
had exemplary employees and they worked very hard and very quickly, which I
doubt, or they have careless employees who are quite happy to do a half job at
every turn.
So now it looks as if I am wasting
time, when in fact I am just being thorough. It is in my nature, but I am
learning right now to forgo my nature and become a careless employee as well,
as long as I can finish the job within two hours instead of two days. The
secret must be to give them just enough to be able to pretend I have done a thorough
job when in fact I would certainly not base any business decisions on that
botched work.
When I told the Manager that in the
last two days I was writing reports for my bosses, he checked, and
unfortunately my bosses did not support me. They told him that they had not
asked me to write these reports. So twice now he tried to tell me that I was
bullshitting him. Of course, I was hoping my reports would be well received and
that they would defend me. It has not happen, I think they felt my reports were
useless.
I also think that it was a
ridiculous thought that I could have believed for one second that a company
hiring a Management Consultant would change anything of how they are conducting
their business. If it works, why would you change anything? In fact, why would
you even hire a Management Consultant with a high salary? It is so puzzling, I
am losing sleep over this. I cannot make head or tail of my situation.
My Manager, who is in fact a
Director, has no experience whatsoever about the type of events I am working
on. In fact, the only person who has any sort of experience about this is my
good friend sitting next to me, the one who welcomed me at LAX airport (my
valley girl). She is just a Manager but was recently told that she was the
Director of her events, because of what I wrote in one of my early reports.
This perhaps has killed the faith
of my Line Director. He was one of two Directors before, now he is afraid that they
will all soon be called Directors, and it is my fault. He told me today to not
listen to her, to not even discuss my event with her, since he may want to do
everything differently. Except, he has no clue about how to go about it, and
she does. It is a big dilemma for me, since I will have to do that damn event
which will take me six months to do, just that. This is how complicated they
are.
He is an old tree, and he fights
back any kind of change whatsoever. Only my first two reports had an impact so
far, slight changes, and it might already be too much for him. He must be
dreading the new decisions which could be made because of my reports, so he is
certainly not happy that I concentrate on that instead of his ridiculous lists
I need to research on the Internet all day.
Everything I have done so far
should have been done by an assistant they could have paid almost nothing. Especially
that this company is based on people who have assistants, half the company has
the word Assistant in their job title. Something I have always suggested they
change for Executives, since it would help them in their job.
It is sad when someone has so much
potential, so many good ideas, and the experience to back it up, but is
prevented in doing anything because change is a frightening thought. So their
Management Consultant will actually be a Conference Producer instead, and just
an assistant at that. Which is fine by me, with that kind of salary, in a
country where the standard of living goes through the roof. However I would
have liked to have been told that I would only be an assistant, I wish I could
be told now so I would know where I stand.
I can adapt to that, no problems. I
feel there is a conflict at the moment in the management lair, and I am
powerless to do anything about it. I just suffer the wrath of their Director
and, since I cannot just let it go down my back like water on a duck, the
situation might just explode.
I certainly have no experience as a
Management Consultant. The only thing I know now, is that the second job title of
a Management Consultant should be Executive Director, so he or she would have
the power to crush the little people who cannot accept any change.
I am sure it also fries him that
despite my young age compared to him, I have perhaps as much experience if not
more than him in the world of conferences. And not only that, it is an
experience from just about every large competitor they have. So my bosses
appear to have told him that the little moron that I am has more experience
than the old tree that he is, since he came to me once shouting: so you think
you have more experience than me!? That statement alone tells it all.
Of course, he can only see me as
someone without any experience whatsoever, called upon to make all the wrong
decisions when he knows it all himself, and he is probably the one who should
have changed his title to Management Consultant. However, his experience is
limited to the one company he has worked for, for perhaps 10 years, and I’m not
even sure if it has been that long.
So you can understand my problem,
and I am starting to understand it better myself. Perhaps I had just no
realized that I would be perceived as a threat. And now that I have realized
that, I will be more amused by his little panic attacks. I just wished that I
was certain that my own analysis of the situation was right.
At the moment I can only see that
this week I have taken the piss, working on reports to satisfy my bosses, when
I should have been trying to please my Line Director. I did assess that
situation at the beginning of this week, I quickly surmised that it was more
important for me to show my bosses I was indispensable, instead of searching
the Internet all day for the Director.
And somehow something tells me that
it will pay off. The mitigated reaction of my bosses must have been to calm him
down, to keep the right balance. Secretly I am sure they are reading every
single word I have written and that soon they will not only appreciate me, they
will change everything.
Oh, I feel so much better now! I
just hope I am right. And if I am right, I am glad that I am learning so
quickly. Something which would not have been possible if I had not written it
all down tonight, after drinking three beers in a row.
I feel like I have acquired some
sort of wisdom now. What was on my mind when I walked back from work was more
like: I am unmanageable, a crisis will develop, I am useless, I just can’t work
with anyone, etc.
I need to start my own business or
else I will just be going from job to job, suffering with my line Manager for
six months to a year, before I leave right after the whole thing crumbles to
dust behind me. Now, instead of panicking back at my panicking Director, I can
just sit back, relax, and look at him destroy himself.
Don’t get me wrong, I would like it
to be different, I am certain he is the best employee they ever had and will
ever have. It is important that he stays. His reaction can only be explained by
the fact that they did not include him in any of the real management
discussions. As a result he now feels as if all this change is not necessary
and superfluous. And to be honest, I feel that he is right.
However I have been hired to tell
my own experience, analyze it and propose solutions. So I am doing what I am
being paid for. It is their decisions to apply my suggestions or not. And the
old tree is completely right if he states: what the fuck does he know about
this business? Completely right, I am sure he knows more than I will ever do.
But I don’t care, I have to fulfill my role and somehow I feel I will
appreciate that role, even if heads will have to roll over.
No one gives me shit, or else I am
leaving. I don’t care if it is after two hours on the job. But now it is not as
simple. I am asking for trouble with a title like Management Consultant. I
represent a real danger. So I have to adapt my attitude and behavior. Ultimately
the other employees should always lose over me. Otherwise, why hire a
Management Consultant, if not to implement changes?
And old trees, if they cannot
accept the changes, it is written in the book, they will need to go. Let’s try
to save them, by all means, but if they become unmanageable, recalcitrant, what
can we do? Here is the door my friend. Start your own business if you feel that
you have all the knowledge in the world to do so.
And this is exactly how I feel
right now. I feel I know so much about the conference world, especially after
writing so many reports in the last year, that it is a waste that I should tell
people what to do. I should do it myself. However, let’s not forget that I just
declared bankruptcy. For whatever the reasons. But who cares? Getting money to
finance projects, is what all our conferences are about right now. And all
these people have no money, just a promising product or service which cannot
fail (though in most cases it fails miserably).
And my company could not fail
either, because I know what failed and what succeeded all over the damn place,
all over the world, in virtually all the main conference companies there are. Just
a shame that I could not care less about the conference world and I am still
trying very hard to free myself from it. Somehow I thought
What is also funny, is that if it
was my own business, I would not follow most of my suggestions, I would do
everything differently. This is something I have recently realized, it is never
the same when it is not your own company. If it was your own, you would act and
behave differently. Because then, you would actually care. Something no
employee ever has been able to do. We just don’t give a shit, we’re just
employees trying to survive our day, to get a pay check, and somehow try to still
have a life outside of work, if possible.
And this is something most
employers cannot understand and I’m not certain if there is a solution to that
problem. Unless the employees somehow also could own parts of the company and
it was actually worth it for them to work harder. Otherwise, good old generous
bonus schemes might do the trick.
11 November 2005
Backstabbing and mind games at work
I came in the office this morning
and it was the hardest thing I had done in quite a while, harder than passing
through customs. I was so afraid and worried, I felt I really did not belong
there. Or that no one really wanted me there. I have tried hard to succeed, to
impress them in my first two weeks, and perhaps I have just failed somehow
(isn't that amazing after all that I have written?).
I worked on my director's stuff
last weekend, I will also work on it this weekend. It might not be enough. This
time I will not escape my fate, something will happen. My boss just asked me to
come into his office, however I have to wait until another guy leaves it. What
is it that he wants to talk about? Is it related to the director's impatience
with me? Can I be blamed for all this somehow?
What's the worse that he could tell
me? That I am quite insubordinate, unresponsive, working on other things that I
should not be working on? I think it will also be about my general attitude,
being incapable of being a Yes Sir type of guy, when someone accuses me of
incompetence.
It is going to require all my
restraints not to tell him that I quit, in a minute, if he goes into attack
mode. Because then, I would have nothing to lose, it would be clear that I
would have alienated both the director and the boss. What chance do I stand to
survive in such a company?
It was already so difficult to
survive the first two weeks, I did not even dare go to the toilet or go get a
coffee unless I was desperate. Today I can't even talk anymore, I want to disappear
at my desk. What will it be today and next week after my conversation with the
boss?
I really need my weekend now, three
days off would be even better. Stephen did it today, but I can't do that after
only two weeks. I have so many things to sort out, it was a crazy idea to start
working almost the very next day I arrived in a new country. I never had the
time to breathe, I have barely took my stuff out of my suitcases.
Just had my meeting. The director
told my boss that I said that I was only here to be a consultant, and not do
anything else. I told my boss that I made it clear to the director that I was
quite happy to work on anything that I was asked to do (and in fact, I
certainly don't mind even if they ask me to clean the toilets). So that was his
angle. My boss told me that I was also hired to do menial things way below my
skills, and I should accept it. So I reassured him, that I did not mind about
that at all and the director misunderstood me (yeah, what a backstabber!).
And now I will have something else
to do. The director will contact me from his home (he works from home on
Friday) so I can contact a few companies for another event, which will prevent
me from doing the other stuff I need to do, so I will have to work on this over
the weekend.
I seem to have survived the second
round, though this time I was called into the office. I am pretty certain that
I won't survive a third round, so I really have to disappear and work hard like
crazy. And I think it is clear now that my reports had no impact on them, they are
not pleased I worked on this for two days this week. So it is important I prove
to them that I can be the best conference assistant there is.
I went to the toilet, and then I
went to buy some chips, but then I bought my first egg sandwich downstairs. The
girl was very nice, however I went through such a panic state because I was
away from my desk for over 12 minutes, I bitterly regretted having decided to
go to the toilet. And now I am in desperate need to go again, but I can't, I am
under observation.
I think I have been identified
already as a bad employee since my director has been working very hard, as I
thought he would, at reporting back as much negative stuff about me as he could
to my boss. I'm pretty sure by now they regret having hired me, and I feel bad
about all this.
You should only allow a company to
import you if you are completely convinced that you can truly help that company
and that you are the best. Well, I may have thought that, and at the time I
feel it was all justified to come, but I also have to realize now that finally
the company might not require my skills.
If I could go back in time, I would
have decided to stay in
These people have no credibility
whatsoever, and probably no social life either outside of work. Or else, why
would they spend their days trying to prove that a total stranger and new
employee, who has done nothing so far, is just not right for this company or
capable to do anything worthwhile? As it stands, I never had the chance yet to
prove anything about my capacities and my potential. I was judged the very
first minute I arrived.
I just received a call from the
director, about what I need to do next for him. And I have been told that it
needs to be done in five minutes, when in fact, again, it should take hours if
not days. He spent more time telling me what to do than it would have taken him
to do it himself. I think it is a game, to see how low I am willing to sink
before exploding. What he does not know is that I don't mind doing it and I
will work hard to do it as fast as I can.
He acted as if he had not
backstabbed me to the boss, as if now I was back in the rank and all ready to
listen to him and obey his orders. I am far from that point, and I guess we
will just have to wait until the third round, probably next week. I am pretty
sure now that it is unavoidable.
13 November 2005
What to do on a Sunday when in
I have been freaked out all
weekend. Moreover, I was unable to explain why. It is a familiar feeling
however, I felt it when I just arrived in
In most places however I had
friends or other people to relate to and to make me forget this weird state of
mind. Even though I still had Stephen when I moved out of his apartment to go
and live in a hotel room in
Usually it would subside, though I
am certain it would never have subsided in
Yesterday, Saturday, I was in some
sort of panic because I thought I needed to work on the files of my director,
do research and find the companies’ websites, CEOs, CFOs and contact details. I
worked 8 hours straight on it and I still feel I have not done enough.
He will again think that I am not
very efficient, as I seem to be taking forever to do anything, and he expects
it done instantly. I can’t do more than that anyway, so he will and I will have
to live with it. I finally decided that today I would not do any more research.
Work will be done at work from now on, I will just have to not waste my time
and be as efficient as I can be.
My main other worry was to find an
apartment, as it has become clear that I won’t have one next door, since no one
has given their 30 day notice yet. So I took the time to go to reception of my
apartment building to find out information about remaining here. Though it is
quite expensive, it is also not as expensive as I thought, once you decide to
rent unfurnished. It is also most practical. It is the closest I could be from
my work, so I would not need a car immediately.
Electricity, water, phone, Internet
and Cable are all included, otherwise I would have to contact all these utility
companies and they would want to do credit checks. Unfortunately,
There is also that Stephen might or
might not join me, and I need a lease of maximum four months, which is possible
here. Unfurnished also means that I keep the stove, fridge, bed, sofa, chairs
and lamps. All I could have hoped for anywhere else was perhaps a fridge.
Though next door I would have had the same, but with the utilities to be added,
the price would have been similar.
So the apartment is kind of sorted,
and I worked on my research yesterday, and I now have a mobile phone. I found a
way to unlock it today on the Internet, my special Mobile Pocket PC phone works
here, thank god, pay as you go as well, even better.
Now, all I have to do is to write
that letter to my finance advisors, and hope my plans will be acceptable to
them, since they are controlling my life from afar. I don’t have to pay my due
for the next three months, and that was not easy, because they freaked out
completely when they found out that I was in
So why am I still feeling so bad and
lost? It is Sunday after all, and tomorrow is back to nightmare time with my
director. I can already hear him say my name, and again it gives me the shiver.
When I started my other job in
I am also very much alone, despite
being in the best place on Earth. You should have seen the sunshine this
afternoon, the palm trees and the atmosphere. I should be inspired like hell,
am I driven to despair instead.
There is this great out there
outside of my apartment, but I am stuck in my studio all day, unable to decide
to go anywhere on my own. There is a Disney World in town, can you believe. This
is the last place I would go from fears that seeing all the Disney characters
walking around, might be all that I need to tip me over the edge and convince
me to kill myself right there on the spot.
I still wish to go to the
observatory,
I could go to the beach,
It reminds me when I was going to
all these great European cities for conferences, and remaining in my room
instead of visiting, while I had the chance.
Still, I might change my mind and
my disposition, it has been only two weeks after all. Change is never easy,
especially on that kind of scale. It is not everyday that you move to the
You need a lot of imagination
however to convince yourself that you are in the middle of it all, when you are
not part of any of it. I am like an observer observing the low life forms of
17 November 2005
Performing miracles at work and
succeeding in
One more day and it is the weekend.
I can hardly wait. Thanks to thanksgiving, next week I only work three days. I
will have four days to get out of here and visit
My director is not back at work
tomorrow, Friday he works from home. Nothing happened this week, only kind
words have been exchanged. My bosses made sure of it, I worked on some other
research instead. I think everyone knew that a third time in a third week would
have been the end of my employment there.
I still feel quite pressured
though, I think my boss is trying to assess how quickly I can come up with a
whole competitive research in the markets, and he is awaiting reports within
hours instead of days. I’m pretty sure they are wondering if I am slow, and
unfortunately I am. I cannot within one day and a half do a whole search of all
competitive events, learn everything there is to know about business
partnerships between the public and the private sectors in construction and
transportation, and come back with the perfect idea for a congress which will
not flop, but will make a few thousand dollars instead.
I thought I was quick and clever, I
guess they had other expectations. They thought I would be some sort of
magician capable of performing miracles. It is clear my knowledge and
experience is simply not required, only my abilities to produce an event in two
days, when it takes months.
This is a sad story and I am not
very proud of myself. I could work at night, but I am so tired and I have so
many other things to do, it is just impossible. I don’t like the idea either to
be working all Saturday just so they feel I am capable. I would actually prefer
to have a life.
Everyone here wish one thing, to
make it in the film industry. And many people are working within it, it must be
their biggest industry. The girl who welcomed me at LAX, who was a new Director
but has reverted back to her title of Manager (and she told me lies about it,
as if I would believe that she feels she does not deserve the title so she
decided to abandon it), she was in commercials when she was young. She claims
she hated it, I believe she tried everything to move into movies or television
and it never came true.
Her husband worked in
documentaries, and wasted two years of his life trying to succeed, he was never
paid. He now has $20,000 in debts. Sounds very familiar, it is perhaps what I
have added to my debt in my two years of working full time in television and
cinema. He finally decided to move into the music licensing field, where it
actually pays. He used to be responsible for the marketing at the Universal
Studios. Impressive. I wonder why he is no longer working there.
Another of my colleagues, the one I
suspect is gay, lives in
But perhaps no one has any great
talent, I just don’t know. My colleague said that it is all about who you know,
so I guess I will have to eventually meet the right people. Maybe those
untalented colleagues have the contacts, and these contacts have written them
off because of a lack of talent. Who knows? They appeared impressed by what I
have achieved so far, I don’t really know why, especially that I can’t do it
again, well, not yet anyway.
20 November 2005
Got to start writing that film
script
I am in some sort of existential
crisis. Woken up on this Sunday morning at 4 am, and wondering why it is that I
exist and if it is worth it. I have no more motivation for anything, I don’t
want to do anything, and I spend most of my time worrying about that research I
need to do at work. In an ideal world, I would be spending most of the day
working on it. I have some sort of report to write, and if I don’t do it, my
boss will definitely think I was not worth bringing over from
I miss
This is mad, being in L.A., where
all that is on offer in the world is probably just a few miles away from me, my
destiny and all, and yet, I spend most of my time writing reports, doing
research, and not leaving my apartment from a lack of energy and motivation.
What could I do? Where could I go?
Who could be my new friend or friends? I will have lunch sometimes next week
with my colleague from
So far nothing happened, I have not
written one line, I have not modified my website, I have not tried to meet the
right people. I have done nothing. When will I get into gear? Should destiny
happen on its own and I should just be patient? Will it again just fall from
the sky, without me having to work hard to make it happen?
I can see I am not going to work
hard and that I don’t have what it takes to storm into the studios asking for
work. Perhaps I need to meet new people, I have no clue about where I could
meet them. Maybe I should go to the Alcoholic Anonymous meeting, or the Drug Addicts
meeting, I guess this is where most important people spend their days these
days, especially in
I feel that I am building a hole for
myself at work. I’m not sure if they appreciate my personality. Especially that
valley girl next to me. I don’t think she likes me and I should not worry too
much about it. God, I am already thinking about my way out of this company, when
my whole life at the moment depends on this job. Without it, it is time for
radical changes on a massive scale, return to
I don’t like this situation. Before
anything, what should be falling from the sky, is enough money to give me the
freedom I need to write all day. And I am in the one place on the planet where
this could be possible, but only if I can prove myself first. Which means
working a lot without being paid. Something I refuse to do.
I think I will just go back to bed.
Tomorrow is another day where nothing will happen, just work on this report.
Great way to spend a Sunday in
22 November 2005
I failed big time at work with my
last report, my days are numbered
I worked like crazy all weekend on
my report and research about this conference I am working on. I was motivated
by the impression I have that my bosses are not very impressed with anything I
have done so far in my three weeks in
I felt great last night once I sent
my research and report, I thought I would go to work the next day happy for
once, with my head high. I knew I would not come back as some sort of miracle
worker, but at least I might have shaken this bad taste they have so far of my
performance.
However I entered the office as a
ghost, and when my boss called me in his office an hour later, he sounded as if
he was very disappointed with me and almost ready to tell me that I needed to
get into gear and get him some results about all this.
I understood then that he never
actually opened his emails this morning and did not know I worked hard all
weekend. No wonder why I felt like a ghost for the first hour. And the main
problem is that even after he reads all that, I will still feel like a ghost,
because it will not have made him happy or he won't show any kind of reaction
or emotion. So I will never know if he truly appreciates my work or not, and in
doubt, of course I will feel like I am totally incompetent.
I really feel bad, I feel
embarrassed to look at any of my bosses and my director. I have no idea what
they think of me, and despite all my efforts, I don't seem to be getting myself
anywhere. Is it going to be another one of these jobs where you work like crazy
seven days a week while still being incapable to satisfy anyone, whilst feeling
under-appreciated? I had the perfect job once where I was considered a miracle
worker and fully appreciated. I guess it could not last.
They are discussing something in
their office right now, I have no idea what it is about, but I'm paranoid
enough to think that it is about me. I have three days to survive this week,
and then four days off. Let's try to survive this, and then we will reassess
the situation after Thanksgiving.
I just spoke with the Mexican girl
in the kitchen. She works in telemarketing but hates it, and says so openly.
She even said she did not like the term telemarketing, I suggested telesales
then, she almost puked.
She was happy today, I asked her
why. She was happy that God gave her the chance to have this job, that he
somehow motivated her to do it so she could have the money to pay her bills.
Gosh, we sure come from a different planet.
She needs that job to survive and
is content to even earn any money. I'm more sort of fed up and cannot
appreciate what I have. I could not stay in a job where I knew I was not
adequate, they would sack me anyway. She is obviously not very successful at
her job and has not confirmed one single delegate in three weeks. I'm surprised
that she is still here to be honest and I am sorry for her, for what is to come.
Not sure if she will be thanking God soon. Still, I have learnt quite a lesson
talking to her this morning, even though I am not quite sure what it is, and I
am not sure if I wish to know.
There is also here a Black guy that
the bosses appear to hold in high esteem. I'm pretty sure it is well deserved
and that he is very competent. He has been with them a long time and will have
his own office once we get the larger offices next month.
His job is to watch over us, to
make sure we don't steal any files, whatever, things like that. He also works
on the website and other IT stuff. I would not be surprised if he was reading
what I am writing now, and reporting it back to my bosses. I understand they
need to take precautions, they after all had someone in the past stealing their
database and starting his own company.
They don't need to be worried about
me, I don't intend to steal anything from their organization, no files or
database whatsoever. I would not know what to do with it and I have enough
files from all my previous jobs to last me a lifetime. I don't even have the
time to go through them. I have databases from previous jobs, but I never gave
them to anyone and of course I would/could never use them. So what is the
point?
If ever I start my own conference
company, it will have to be about subjects for which I have a passion, so I
will be motivated to get up in the morning to work: literature, theoretical
physics, science fiction, space science and paranormal stuff.
I'm pretty sure conferences are
where people meet to go on to accomplish great things. I believe that this
company in
That's it, I'm fried. I did not
have my meeting yet with my boss, but a new file has appeared on the network with
two dozen more events, which I have missed in my hurried research, since last
week he was insisting that I finish this on the same afternoon that he asked
me. I would expect now to be told that my research was not very good, and that
perhaps I was wasting my time.
The truth is that if two persons
had done the same research independently and in parallel, they would both have
come up with a different list of events. So hopefully they won't draw big
conclusions out of this, or put me on the spot about these events I appear to
have missed. Of course it does not make me feel any better. It is going to be a
long three days!
It was horrible! The meeting went
like this: thank you for your preliminary report that was indeed preliminary,
it is all wrong since we found many similar events in the
Unfortunately they don’t trust me
(thankfully for them), so his wife did the same research in parallel. And now
they both know I am incompetent. Though I can justify myself quite easily, ask
anyone to write a report instantly without knowing anything about the subject,
and ask him this report without any proper research, and this is what you get.
And the events she found, I found
them all myself. I just did not include them from a lack of time, or they were
in Europe or
Anyway, most of the conferences she
found were completely off topic. That made me feel better, but I am apparently
the only one who realizes that, because I am the only one who read them all.
Still, how could have I been so
wrong? In just about all my conclusions? Is it possible that all that I have
written, all those reports, are also completely wrong and based solely on what
I think instead of facts? This is worrying. I failed like I never did before in
my entire career in conferences.
If they had doubts about me before,
now they have the full confirmation. I was the wrong guy, and it is more
difficult to get rid of me now since I came all the way from
Perhaps I should make it easy for
them. If I fail again, I will tell them that I’m going back. In the meantime, I
will retain my check for the apartment until the very last day of the month,
which is, unfortunately, next week. I have until then to make a complete fool
of myself again, the sooner the better.
I would leave without regrets. This
whole enterprise has been paved with mistakes from the start. I just simply
cannot keep up with what they are asking. I need time, and time is not in
abundance. I will again make a mistake. And I feel I have already past the
point of no return.
Oh well, my month in
And I swear, I will endeavor to
never have another boss again. No more social hierarchy, I’m just not cut up
for this. I will somehow have to find a way to be my own boss. Another
impossible idea.
22 November 2005
It seems like a lifetime has passed
since yesterday. I plugged myself onto the new Depeche Mode album this morning,
on my phone, and I have been listening to it all day whenever I was not sitting
at my desk.
I desperately needed some sort of escape
to fight being alienated by this reality. And while I was walking in the sun in
the Valley, looking at all the mountains around and listening to Nothing’s Impossible
over and over again, I thought this is perfect, it could not be better.
I spent the rest of the night after
work trying to figure out a way to go see Depeche Mode in concert at the
After being unable to figure out how
to use the transport system in Los Angeles (have I really lost that many brain
cells since my arrival in L.A. that I can’t even conceptualize how to take a
damn bus?), and after understanding that I would arrive an hour and a half late
at the concert, I had to abandon the idea. It would have been so nice.
So I spent the night watching
Depeche Mode videos and debating with an Indian in
And considering how wrong I had
been two days ago with my report, I was suddenly convinced that all my theories
were off the mark. His questions were hard, but ultimately I spent the time to
think about why I thought these things, and thankfully I still think the same.
It has been ten years now, with
over 300 correspondents and perhaps 3,000 emails, all designed to convince me that
I was wrong, and I am still convinced that I am right. At least no one was able
to do a little research on the Internet, find a few more events I had missed,
and destroy all my findings and conclusions in less than five minutes. Maybe it
was an isolated incident and I should not think about it anymore.
I did tell my boyfriend though that
I was ready to come back, and that before paying my rent, I will be talking to
the woman who hired me. In an instant in his mind I was already back in
However again today I found a way
to not shine so much. I took the whole day to print over 2,000 pages of all
these events found on the Internet. My boss did say to print only the relevant
ones, but which ones are they? I don’t know! They all looked very relevant to
me. So I printed them all and wasted the whole day. We were supposed to have
our meeting at 7 am this morning (well 8 am since that is the time I arrive in
the office, unlike everyone else there). I’m sure tomorrow will be as bad.
At the end of the day my boss was
peeing in the public toilet, in one of those awkward moments, and I was
splashing water over my face… I left without saying a word. Gosh, right there
you had the perfect picture to describe my life since I arrived in
And now, after watching all those
Depeche Mode videos, I feel like writing a whole successful and inspired album.
But hey, I am a writer, and writing film scripts or novels or blogs, does not
seem to me to be so adequate.
I will not be transporting anyone
anywhere else, I will not touch them in an emotional way. I cannot have any
impact on anyone whatsoever, not even myself when I read my things. And this is
becoming more than frustrating. I wish I could take a life off and learn music
and do something for a change.
The closest I have been to music is
with my poetry, which I have been told by some grand-ma that it has caused a
few suicides. Oh, so I can reach people emotionally then, great news! I should
get back to what I can do, poetry.
I’m not so motivated now, but I
would have certainly written a few dark pages tonight, the darkest ones in a
long time. On my way back from work, walking around the Valley, I wanted to
scream out what had been contained under pressure inside of me for the last few
days and weeks. I thought I was going to split and that a nuclear bomb was
about to explode. I would have loved
I have not started my usual
fictional book that I am always writing in parallel to my journal/blog. I’m
getting tired, I have written so many now, and still only one of them has been
published, and the worst thing is that it was quite a success. No other
publishers can see that, I have not told anyone, not sent any other books to
publishers. Never had the time, the money, the energy.
No more of these books published,
means no motivation to write another one. I should at least put my last one
online, it is still too soon after my last job, many people could recognize
themselves.
Still, I wonder what I would have
written tonight if I had started another one of those dark poetry books. I
should start thinking about a title, it is always a great help. The last one
was great, if I may say so myself. Working in
I investigated tonight where I
could put this blog, found Wil Wheaton’s blog and
I will have to investigate free
websites. Which reminds me, someone wishes to buy my main website, not sure if
he wants the content as well or just the URL. Fascinating how quickly I was
happy to sell it. I would accept peanuts for it, I want to get rid of it. I can
no longer be associated with anarchists, I never was anyway except via the
title of my website. You understand now why I wish to remain anonymous. I do
reach out, unfortunately.
Any search with a French word in it
leads straight to my website, as many of my previous managers found out in
time. Funny, their names never highlighted any web page. It’s like none of them
ever existed. Someone one day in a thousand years will look at all the crap
published on the Internet, and would not find one single reference to any of
the people I worked with in my whole life. I guess we cannot all be filled with
vanity and have an Ego the size of a small planet. Fortunately.
So finally a lot happened today.
What else? A woman called, from where I live, she is part of the management. I
thought she was calling to let me know that I could not rent this studio, that my
name was blacklisted by an obscure bank lost in the North of Canada
(practically in North Pole). And since
Thankfully she just wanted to
convince me to rent my studio for much longer, to which I answered that I had
already signed the papers to do so. Great communication. I should have known
that in the
My publisher contacted me, to tell
me I was his hero because I was in L.A. Nice how powerful the imagination can
be, when in fact I am just about to die of boredom in between my four walls.
I did go see a movie yesterday
though, and not any movie, a preview for free, so we can tell them it’s crap
just before they release it anyway. It is true that last time I went to see
such a movie in
Yesterday it was Juliet Lewis and
the actress from Alias, a boring story, but I was in the right frame of mind
for it, I was desperate for anything that could change my mind from my recent
nightmare. So I said it was excellent, they did not keep me after the film so I
could destroy it better, like they did in
I wonder how many movies are never
released every year. Maybe actors work harder than I initially thought. Must be
frustrating to have worked a few months on a film which will never see the
light of day. I guess you then have no right to say you appeared in that movie,
since it actually never existed.
Many people who worked on the film
were there in the cinema, including directors, producers, etc. One of them was
fat and annoying, he looked like a bastard, and reminded me a bit of my actual
boss, though my boss comes across as a nice guy.
It drove me insane that this could
be the type of people I would work with in the movie industry. People with no
imagination, permanently in a bad mood. We should call them life and creativity
destroyers. And why would these people have anything to do with films? It is a
mystery to me. I admit that I could be wrong, maybe he is a teddy bear and he is
responsible for most great movies I have seen recently. I doubt it.
One of the actors was also in the
room, but I don’t know his name. I remember his face though from other films. Here
in
They all seem to be or have been
involved in that industry, except my two bosses. They are an anomaly. I don’t
understand why they have started a business in
Perhaps I dreamt them up in my wish
to move here and they did not exist before my arrival. It would explain the
mystery. I wished to move here, I created that company and it became reality.
However, why would have I created so many problems and less than ideal
conditions? Because then, I would not have anything to blog about, I guess. It
was certainly done on a subconscious level, that’s for sure.
I forgot to tell you something
quite interesting about the idea that I might have created this whole reality
in order to move here. And how my creation could be as limited as a film. It is
like in the movie Thirteenth Floor (if you live in
Well, when I rented that car and
decided to follow
Every block had the same shops and
restaurants, and I could never tell if I was going anywhere or if somehow I was
stuck in a time loop, covering the same block over and over again. It was
astonishing.
I had never experienced such a
thing, it must be the most boring street in the world, except for a part where
there are palm trees on each side of the road. But then again, it goes on
forever and the apartments at the back all look similar from one block to
another. There was no personality, interesting architecture or character
anywhere on that street which seemed to go on forever.
I’m sorry if I insult a few people
here, but come on, I lived in
I really reached a point in my mind
of a deep sense of disorientation, wondering if this was life, existence, the
same shops and restaurants and gas stations over and over again, multiplied to
the infinity to satisfy our needs. Funny how I don’t need much these days to go
into a spin and reach complete existential crisis mode. I must be more fragile
than I thought.
Then the whole concept of art and
design made so much sense in my mind, and this idea of regeneration of areas
which appear to have lost their will to live and to be distinctive and
different.
We should bomb
I think
PPP means Public-Private
Partnership. It is a way for governments to let the private sector build
everything which would normally be paid for by the people. In return, the
private investors get millions and billions in the long term via rent, tolls,
other financial benefits.
They always get much more than what
it would have actually cost if the government had put the money to build it in
the first place. However the government does not need money to get the program
or project going, and since Bush has no money for that, then PPP is very
popular.
It should have one great advantage
though, hopefully the private sector will finally build some interesting
infrastructures, something we might actually want to look at, instead of making
us feel like running away to
Sorry for saying it, but I think
Of course, I did not have the time
to start living in
23 November 2005
Last day in the office before
thanksgiving and my chance to visit
I am back at work for my third day
before thanksgiving. I thought I would not have survived it, however so far so
good. It is 9h14, my boss has not jumped on me yet, has not told me that
everything I had done took forever and was all wrong, and he has not asked me
to do something else within an unrealistic time frame.
I am pretty sure he is brewing at
the moment and any second now all of what I was hoping was not going to happen
today will suddenly happen and ruin my last day in the office before the
holiday.
I found a way at work to write in
English without being detected. I usually pick an Excel file I always use, save
it under the same name but with mh at the end for Mycroft Holmes, and I write
in the column DZ, row 500. I don't even make the column or the row wider, I
mainly write at the top where we should be inserting equations.
If ever they were to look at my
files, there is no way they would be able to spot the few words they could see
in column DZ row 500. And then I move the file to a floppy disk, so the file is
never being deleted on my system. There is a copy however in my History, and I
need to delete it as soon as I finish working on the file. I also need to
remember to close the file whilst the cursor is back at A1, since these Excel
files remember where you were last time you saved them.
At 9h I went downstairs to the Café
to buy a toasted egg sandwich from the little Chinese woman. The sandwiches are
not as good as in
I never took the time in the last 4
weeks to go and buy a sandwich, only three times in fact I did so. Because I
was so on edge at work, or working so hard in total panic mode to try to do
something as quickly as humanly possible... I am always frightened that either
the director or my boss will come around and ask me to go in their office. No
one should live like that and I wonder if this will change or not in time.
It is weird that he has not called
me in the office yet, I am starting to feel guilty. I might go and see him in
20 minutes to ask if I should start calling people, maybe I should go now. It
would not surprise me if he were to say at some point today: what, you have not
started to call all these people yet? What have you done all day?
In fact, what I have done this morning
is to read about the Trans-Texas Corridor, and what that is goes something like
this: "The Trans-Texas Corridor (TTC) is a proposed multi-use, statewide
network of transportation routes in
And as if that was not boring
enough, I went on to read the 824 pages document of SAFETEA-LU, which means:
"Safe, Accountable, Flexible, Efficient Transportation Equity Act: A
Legacy for Users." It is the Public Law 109–59, 109th Congress, to
authorize funds for Federal-aid highways, highway safety programs, and transit
programs, and for other purposes.
If I did not feel like shooting
myself before, I certainly do now!
Last night I was in such a mood, I
drank myself to death and could not sleep until 4 am. I was feeling bad for
having abandoned Stephen and the cats, and how they appear to suffer terribly
now that I am gone. I also cried, and I have to stop myself right now. I sincerely
hope he will be able to work here and that we will be happy in this company, or
else eventually I will have to go back to
I truly feel like I love him, even
after 10 years together, which is quite amazing. I really miss him and suffer
more from his sufferings than my own. It is not the first time I do this to
him, I left for
This morning I thought that if anything
was going to happen to me in this lifetime, it will be in
Now, what I don't understand is why
I still have the same feeling of wishing to be hit by a car? I think it is all
down to the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. Since forever I have
always been unlucky and had to survive quite a huge bunch of horrible people
making my life a misery.
Not sure if there is something I
need to learn about this repeating pattern, to love the devil perhaps, learn to
not be frightened of the dark side, but I sure failed at every level and I will
again. Meaning that I will be stuck repeating this pattern over and over again until
I die. At least the scenery changes after each five to ten years, now I am in
24 November 2005
Racism and homophobia at work or
just personality conflict?
It has
been hard this week. I am on holiday for four days, I miss my baby very much. We
could go around town together, at the moment I don’t feel like going on my own.
I’m sorry I’m responsible for making him suffer, I suffer too, and I wish we
could be together. I would love to take him in my arms. I hope he will find
ways to forget suffering about me being here.
It is
ridiculous, it has been only three weeks, but it seems like forever when he is not
around, and that I am all alone. Maybe Isabella will become my friend, I would
like that. She is very funny.
I went
to McDonald with Isabella and her son yesterday after work, the girl from
It means
that they only pretend to be disappointed and to be expecting more in order to
throw us into panic mode so we work harder and harder, even at home. I also
believe that even if they were impressed or happy with my work, they would not
say so, so you never really feel like that now you can relax, you worked well.
I felt
right into their trap, letting it get to me and allowing it to emotionally kill
me. Unfortunately these mind games, even though they are as old as capitalism,
are still working fine, and I can’t just cure myself from this stress. I still
feel like I am not good enough for them.
If I knew
that my reports were appreciated (except the last one), it would make me feel
better. I need to read that last report again, maybe it was not that far from
the truth after all. I just hope in time they will agree.
I think
I can continue with this job, not sure if I will have a talk with my bosses on
Monday before signing for and paying my apartment and hence confirming that I
will be staying in L.A. for at least four more months.
Isabella’s
brother studied cinema, the whole thing. He can direct, produce, edit, author
DVD, etc. What a surprise, another one. I’m sorry he was sacked, and I know now
that it was a conflict with my valley girl who just could not stand him. I’ve
got to be careful, or the same thing will happen to me.
Isabella
said that when her brother started to work there, no one liked him, contrarily
to the other Mexican which everyone loves, including my famous director. The
fact that they like the other Mexican guy can be justified by his great
personality, I like him very much myself. There is nothing in him that is
threatening, and he is a great “Yes Sir” type of person.
Isabella
said that it was typical of this director to either like you or loath you, and
he was rude to her brother, as he is rude to me. She said that she could feel
how patronizing he was with me, so it was not in my imagination.
She
blames it on the fact that we are foreigners, so I guess to be French-Canadian,
as far as my director is concerned, is like being a Mexican or someone from
I never
suffered discrimination for being French, it is the first time I would suffer
from racism that I am aware of. Well, there have been a couple of instances in
the past where I did suffer from racism, but I won’t get into that now.
I guess
when you are flooded with Mexicans (when in fact I feel that this town belongs
to Mexicans and it is the Americans who are flooding it), French-Canadians can
be put in the same bag. Mix it all up together, add some onions and make a nice
salad with it that you can eat at lunch time.
I don’t
know if it is racism or homophobia, or the threat that I represent for being young,
having that much experience, with a title like Management Consultant. It must
be difficult in court to justify racism, unless some specific events happened,
and in this case he never mentioned anything that could suppose racism or
homophobia.
So I am
not ready to say Isabella is right, and the first impression I had of her
brother was not that he could become a great friend, I have to admit. But at
the time he had been under intense pressure for over two months, and he was
sacked within two days of my arrival.
I think
it is simpler than that with the director. Our personalities just don’t match,
he just did not like me from the start. And I think he would not have even if
he had known nothing about me. One good look was enough for him to judge me,
before I even spoke.
And Isabella
confirmed it, he either like you or he doesn’t. Unfortunately he had the time
to do a lot of damage, he has succeeded in destroying my credibility to my
bosses, just as the valley girl did with Isabella’s brother. And I did not help
myself afterwards either, with my string of mistakes.
Dear me,
I was unaware that this place would be so cut throat and that my head would no
longer stand on my shoulder within one day of my arrival. Not sure how I will
survive this, but with Isabella on my side, I may stand a chance.
25 November 2005
Finding happiness and being a
positive force of nature
I would like to apologize to my
readers, I have been obsessed with this director’s business and it seems that
it is all I’ve been able to talk about. It is also a problem I had in certain
of my books. Thankfully my fictional stuff is not about me.
My father, my biggest fan, told me
that sometimes he could not bear it anymore, my long speeches about how
terrible people can be at work and how none of them appears to have read the
right books about great management skills.
And the other half of these books
is about my inner misery which is a direct consequence of the first problem,
which makes my sister not want to read me anymore, as she says death comes back
at every page.
I wanted to become positive, happy
people, but I guess that if I am not happy in my professional life, I cannot
pretend that life is some sort of utopia where living is just breathtaking.
I think I don’t know how to have
fun anymore, I’m not sure I ever did. I read some other blogs about how these
people used to go out all the time, take drugs with their friends from college,
and have the best time in the world.
I don’t remember any of the parties
I have been to, not sure if I have gone to any parties. Well, I suffered a lot
at some parties anyway and I could not wait to get out. And I certainly never
took drug. No wonder I’ve become an old maid before my time.
I should have just jumped on coke
or heroine, just like everyone else around here. Though it is in their past for
most of them, I guess it was a necessary rite of passage before reaching
adulthood and happiness.
I would imagine there are a lot of
these cocaine parties in
It would look too much like a
conference where you need to be on your best behavior, and that, when you are the
producer, is the most boring place on earth. Hell, I even refused to go on tour
or speak at conferences to promote my books, though right now I would welcome
that if I did not have a full time job in parallel.
Which brings me to the great
existential question which is: what is it that could actually make me happy? I
sometimes play this game of asking myself: if you could choose right now
anywhere in the world where you would like to be, and the perfect and ideal
circumstances you would like, what would it be? I asked myself these questions
many times, and the odd and only answer is that I would not want to be anywhere
else with any ideal circumstances.
I must have lost the will to live. And
no success or being famous could change that, I’m afraid. I had a taste of it
with my published books, even if none of them made it to the bestsellers lists.
I still have many fans around the world and receive emails from them. I just
now take it for granted and it has no impact on my happiness.
Dear me, I have done so much
already, I am published, I have been produced, I’ve lived in Europe for eleven
years, I have a great boyfriend of ten years (even if we don’t have as much sex
as I would like), I am now in L.A. with a good salary, what the hell is
missing? What is it that will make me happy?
To isolate myself alone on a
mountain somewhere, I thought it would be the solution. However it would not
make me happy, it will just stop me from having to put up with all these people
every day that I just cannot stand. It would be more like a relief. So it is
not really a solution to happiness.
Now, how could someone who thinks
like that ever write positive and wonderful things? How could I free myself
from this negativity and start being impressed with nature and everything
surrounding me? How could I ever make other people happy when I am myself ready
to pull the plug? I will never, I am doomed.
I wish I could identify why it is
that I feel this way. Is it because I am gay, different, marginal? Have I
suffered most of my years in high school, being bullied, to the point that it
destroyed my will to be alive? Is it because I have started to write like a
machine when I was ten years old and it took nearly fifteen years before I was
finally published (of course, existential crisis is not your usual topic for a
bestseller)? Is it because my parents separated many times and eventually
divorced? Is it a mix of all of that?
I feel I was born this way. Like
being gay. I was destined to live an unhappy life, in deep existential crisis. And
it is more philosophical than anything else. I don’t understand who we are,
what is our place in this world. I cannot comprehend this universe we’re living
in, or if there is a purpose to our existence.
I had long a time to think about
it, to write about it, to talk about it, to read about it, and I’m still
nowhere near an answer. Just as I predicted,
28 November 2005
Should I stay or should I go? Can
such a question be asked about
I'm back at work after
thanksgiving. I feel better than last week, but I still need to somehow speak
with my bosses about if they feel I should continue or if I should just go back
to
I did not contact my old employer
to find out if my job was still available, they contacted me. A message about a
speaker on my conference, the Minister tried to get out of speaking at the
event and pretended I never confirmed her. I had a letter signed by her own
hand that she was glad to speak at this event. If I wanted a proof that
politicians cannot be trusted, here it is.
My ex-Manager was asking at the end
how it was here in
I was walking to work this morning
thinking, I could lose all that. I was wondering however what it is that I
would lose, but again I did not have the chance to visit too much and in fact,
I don't know what it is that I would lose by leaving now. On the opposite side,
I was thinking about being back in
Despite all that, going back to
And now, I still need to have a
conversation with my bosses to find out if they wish me to stay, because of course
it is not only my decision. They would probably be surprised to hear that I was
considering going back. I'm sure for them my month has just been business as
usual, while for me it was quite an eye opener. Then again, every time I tried
to understand what was going on here and what was to be expected of me, I have
been wrong. So I should not presume to know best.
It is 8h53, I know my boss is
working on my file, so I don't have to worry too much if he does not come to
tell me what to do yet. He will soon. I will have to call the industry and get
some feedback from them. I also need to record them on tapes and transcribe
everything that is being said. I just hope I can do that fast enough, sounds
like another task which could take me forever. I think I will go and buy myself
an egg sandwich in a minute, since I have to wait anyway. I will have to be
quick though.
This weekend I went to Universal
Studios, only because it was actually the closest tourist attraction. I just
had to jump on the Orange Line, and at
This surface metro line has opened
on the exact day that I have arrived in
Well, I got an annual pass at
Universal since it was the same price as a normal ticket. Without it I would
not have gone in, because I was too late and it would not have been worth
paying that much. I did the usual stuff, Terminator, Waterworld, Back to the
Future, Van Helsing, Shriek. The most interesting stuff, and new stuff in my
case, would have been below, but it was too cold and windy for me to go
anywhere, especially visit the back lot. I ran from attraction to attraction
and I left quickly, I was freezing.
On my way back in the shuttle there
was a family from around here who came to visit
I'm not sure how I will succeed in
speaking about my situation in this office with my bosses. The wife's boss is
definitely avoiding me, it is embarrassing. Why? Why would she avoid me? I can
understand, considering what happened last week, however I have no clue about
what is going on in her mind.
Is she avoiding me because she
feels she did a research and contradicted my findings, and now she thinks I
could feel bad about it and she does not wish to speak about that? Or that she
would hope I would go back to
I am also falling asleep at my
desk, and really there is no reason to, I went to bed at 10 pm last night, I
had 9 hours sleep. I find it frustrating that even after drinking a whole pot
of coffee, I just cannot wake up! I feel like hitting myself in the face until
I get out of my dream state.
A door just slammed, I am not sure
who did it and why. There could be other things going on that I am unaware. The
second most senior conference manager did not look very happy today in the
kitchen. I admired him for his nice personality where nothing appears to be
able to reach him.
Well, he admitted today that he
perhaps did some mistakes and he will have to deal with it today. I said he
would survive, he said he would one way or another. I wonder what he meant by
that and I wonder how serious the situations he created, as he puts it, are
serious. Maybe here anything can be used against you and any report you write
can become the biggest blunder of your life, when in fact it is not that
serious. Another management trick?
I went to get the key for the
toilet, and there she was in front of me, my boss, she froze as if she did not
know what to do or where to go. We have not said good morning or anything. I
hate it, having to go in her office every time I want the key for the toilets.
One day at lunch time I will go and get a double of that key made, so I don't
have to advertise it so much when I go for a pee.
Stephen is so much better than me
in these awkward situations. He would have told everyone good morning and would
not be afraid of confronting any of these people, no matter what. I wish I was
more like that. But looking at them, embarrassed as they are, I am probably
normal, and Stephen is the exception.
I have not done anything this
morning apart from preparing that letter requesting a meeting. I feel bad about
it. I could not go and see my boss, I know he is working on that file. He will
come to me once he finishes and we can move on with this.
Now I understand she was busy, she
had to go and collect the kids in school, and they have other worries like the
renovations of the second office, etc. So I should not read too much into the
fact that we will only meet tomorrow morning. However I wonder if she simply
wishes to talk about this further with her husband tonight? It is quite
possible. They had a one hour meeting together immediately after I sent my
email to her, however they could have been talking about anything else.
I am wondering, is there any way
they could turn around and tell me: thank you for your reports and services,
and have a nice life back in
So what is it? Just reassurance?
Why? Because I feel a bit uncomfortable, because I am in the dark, I don't know
what they are expecting of me? The problems with the director, has it developed
into a massive mountain or is it forgotten?
I guess the meeting is still a good
idea. And you never know, maybe they think they have made a mistake with me and
will be thankful for me to give them the chance to stop it all before it goes
any further. It would be surprising, but it is possible. Tomorrow could be my
last day not only in the office, but also in
I just went to get myself a coffee
in the kitchen. The Black guy kind of asked me weirdly if I was OK, the same
thing the wife's boss asked me before she left. I had something in my eye when
she came to me and I hope she does not think I was sort of emotional about all
this. It would look very bad indeed. It would also mean that all emails I send
to my bosses are being read by that guy, and he is also being told about
everything that is happening in this office.
I would not be surprised either if
the woman in charge of HR, payroll, etc., also has access to all exchanged
e-mails. I might never know about that for quite a while. It would make sense,
since if both bosses are out of the office, someone would need to answer urgent
messages. So not only it is not possible to speak in this office because we are
all sitting over each other, but on top of it sending an e-mail to anyone is
like copying half the company. So I’ve got to be careful, no secret can be kept
here.
29 November 2005
Destiny is re-organizing my life
out of my control, for the best
Once again I feel quite weird in
the office this morning. I know I will meet my boss and I don't know how the
meeting will turn out. She might have decided certain things after speaking
with my director and her husband. I'm sure the director would not have told her
that they should keep me. And her husband could have decided just like that,
that it was perhaps preferable that I leave. Ultimately she does not need their
word, apparently she is quite the business woman and could decide on her own
that it was a mistake.
The director was not here
yesterday, he's back today with his deep voice. I'm glad I'm not working with
him right now, I know I will work with him in the future, I know he will be
patronizing and there will be conflict, that alone convinces me that it would
not be a bad idea if I were to go back to London.
And then, right after saying that,
he followed me in the kitchen and tried to be nice. I was a bit ashamed to tell
him that I went to Universal Studios during Thanksgiving, and he made it clear
he disapproved of it. He appears to be kind of anti-tourist or commercial
himself, and wrote books about the old history of
So we discussed Vincent Van Gogh,
which really could not have been better since I really feel a special
connection with this painter. I went to St. Remy de Provence in
I thought he had a discussion with
my boss today about the meeting, and that he was doing an extra effort today to
be nice since I am after all considering going back to
Today I am having lunch with my
valley girl. Tomorrow it will be the
We are under such surveillance
here, we cannot exchange one word without having our nice black guy following
up within seconds to make sure nothing negative is said. A way to feel like a
Big Brother state, without the need for cameras and monitoring devices. He
checks our computers, as mine had been left on all Thanksgiving when I arrived
yesterday, which means someone checked out my files. I would prefer cameras
because then you can at least forget that they exist and take a bit more
freedom. With a human overlooking you at all time, it is more difficult.
Anyway, I will meet with my
colleagues and I would expect them to tell me how they feel. They will probably
tell me they feel like me and then I will understand that what I have gone
through this last month is completely normal and I was not an isolated case.
And then it will make me feel better and I will be happy to continue working
here for at least four more months. Once my rent ends, I will reconsider my
situation.
It is also possible that they are
quite happy and have not experienced any of what I have gone through.
Especially the
I am in some sort of dilemma, go
and see my boss to ask him for something to do, instead of wasting my time
searching the Internet to learn more about Texas and transportation, or wait
until his wife arrive and have my meeting with her. It would be sensible,
especially that today could be my last day after all.
So I am going to wait, and write,
even if it makes me feel quite guilty.
Merde! I'm trying to reach Stephen,
but he appears to be on the Internet, he does not answer his mobile phone or
read his SMS messages, and he does not appear to be reading his e-mails either.
In this day and age, I just cannot reach him!
I have ten minutes before going to
lunch with the valley girl. I need to talk to him about my meeting with my boss
(his wife was not in today so he invited me in for a chat). So I cannot go to
the bank, I could not speak to him! And I am in a terrible mood about it. I'm
so annoyed with him! What the fuck is he doing online on the Internet, in the
last ten years the guy never even spent two minutes online. It is killing me.
The most urgent moment of all, to sort myself out!
There is no more time, in 6 minutes
I have to go to lunch. I could not even speak with him if he were to call. I
cannot go to the bank, I'll have to wait until tomorrow. And it complicates
things so much!
First of all I need to assess if I
should continue to write this blog as I have been, meaning for myself and not
caring too much about any eventual reader, or if now that I have put it online
and received already a few comments about it, I should try to adapt it to make
it more interesting, meaning changing the topics as often as possible. I don't
think I want to write this for anyone else but me, and if it interests anyone
else, then fine. If it bores them, they can go and read another blog, of the
exact type they wish to read. As simple as that.
Now that I have that out of the
way, there are three things I need to discuss which ultimately brings me to one
main question. The question is, should I get out of
There are many risks, and neither
my conversation with my boss, my colleague the valley girl or my phone call to
Stephen helped me establish the answer to my question. On the contrary,
everything is telling me: get out of here while you can, before everything
crumbles in front of your eyes while you are powerless to save it!
So my boss repeated to me that he
was not impressed with my report and the fact that perhaps he cannot trust my
judgment. I had to defend myself and tell him that I read that report again
today, and I feel I was quite correct and his conclusions were perhaps biased.
It was not really the place to try to save my neck, so I did not insist, the
damage has been done anyway. The important is that they don't think it was a
mistake to hire me, that they hope to eventually see my potential in action,
hence, they want me to stay and discover where our working relationship could
lead.
So this is encouraging, even though
it is not really. I have confirmed that he did not have much time to look at my
reports. He feels they will be interesting to read once he has more time or
develop something more specific about what they are about. So of course all
this hard work was not exactly appreciated. They sacked too many people
recently and he now has to do everything himself, especially marketing.
So he apologized for having left me
alone in my corner for the last two days, and to be honest I don't really mind.
However now I need to come up with the names and contact details of people I
will need to contact to gather intelligence. He gave me that to do since he
does not have the time to work on this.
He did not speak about my problems
with my director, and perhaps I should have. It was impossible since he spoke
mainly about that conference we were working on. It was difficult to bring him
back to the subject at hand, which was what he expects of me and Stephen in the
future.
Well, me being a conference manager
with some report writing when it is the right time, is what is still on the
table, as I expected it to be. For Stephen though it is not as we thought. He
was supposed to be responsible for their new telemarketing department, but of
course, only once they decide to hire more people.
So for quite a while, god knows for
how long, what he will be doing is basically telesales, cold calling people all
day to convince them to attend conferences. I would not do that myself, how can
I expect Stephen to do it? However he did not react when I told him, he was too
busy complaining about the whole thing in general, reminding me it was a crazy
idea and that he would only come for me, and he would sacrifice everything and
the cats, and his mother does not speak to him anymore, etc.
This whole business has turn sour
indeed. And yet, I have to remain here, I have to continue, I need to find out
where it may lead me. I was not exactly encouraged by my valley girl, who told
me, after a while, and only after I had compromised myself enough by telling
her everything I really thought, she finally told me what her experience is.
It took her forever but she finally
thought I was on her side and she told me exactly what I thought myself, about
the director, with whom she too had a lot of trouble with at the beginning.
With the bosses as well, who make her feel terrible, incompetent and never
encourage her whatsoever. She said she was on their black list.
She did not want to tell me about
all these people who appear to have left quickly, some of them lying (one said
he had to go back to South Africa, but he was spotted in the Valley twice, so
he lied to get out of here) and the numerous people who seem to have been
sacked. I would like to know why, so I could at least be reassured that it was
justified and it won't happen to me by inadvertence. But no one will speak
about it, and I know my boss is lying when he tells me why they left.
So I am pretty much at the same
point I was. I have confirmation that my reports were half read because of a
lack of time, so I know they did not help establish my potential. I know I
won't be able to impress them, they will not admit to work well done. I can
only achieve what is expected if I work very hard. As long as they don't call
me in the office to spit on me and my work, then I can assume I am in the
clear. So it is not going to be easy, I never thought it would be, I just did
not expect it to be so bad so soon. My honeymoon was over after 5 minutes.
Now, I am not a wimp, despite what
someone could think reading my complaints, and I can go through this, I will
survive it. I just have to get on with the job, and perhaps it would be a good
idea to stop blogging at work. There are still three hours before the end of the
day, God knows how I will survive it.
It has been hard again this week,
even though it was more emotional and psychological. Hard decisions to make,
depending on certain events requiring full analysis on my part, etc. I just
want to go home and relax, especially that yesterday I did not, having to buy
that bicycle for $80, which was supposed to be new, but I don't think it is and
I had to spend another $46 in tools and lock for it, which means I shopped
until 9 pm yesterday. I should have perhaps bought a new bicycle, it would have
cost me the same and at least it would have worked fine.
The wife of my boss is here this
afternoon. I wonder if she stayed at home this morning in order to avoid
meeting me today. Is she still embarrassed somehow, avoiding me? In which case
I am not out of the woods yet. Something my valley girl said, she hopes to
learn to speak to the bosses, as if somehow communications was a bit like a
train wreck.
I think we are very similar, we
both worry a lot about nothing, we are both highly sensitive and we take
everything very personal. As a consequence we almost become dysfunctional
people. And she said it, we are the perfect employees, because one word is
sufficient to hurt us, bring us into a higher gear and work all night. They just
need to say: have you done this yet? And then we work like crazy and then when
we come back to them with the results, they are happy indeed that it worked
fine, but never say so.
My Spanish friend, the one in
telesales, is actually from
I don't know what she meant by
that, but I suspect that her country is a place where the revolution has been
going on for many years, and probably a tyrant has been at the head of that
country for years, and America must have supported him because somehow they had
some commercial advantages to all that, and what else. It must be the typical
story. I do intend to do some research and find out more about it though. I
could be completely wrong.
Something was a bit weird this
morning in the meeting. Though I know my boss is intelligent, sometimes I
wonder. He said to me I had to answer all the questions he put on a sheet,
there were about 40 questions altogether. I had to answer all these questions
for all the most relevant events. And that was at a time when none of us had
established yet a list of all events, and certainly not established which ones
were the relevant ones. And of course, only he would have known which events
were relevant, since only he had in his mind what he wanted to do with this
event.
For example, he wishes to keep it
very specific, to one particular project. This is something I learned quite
late, after I gave him my report. So today again he accused me of not having
answered his questions, and he acts very stunned and surprised that I could go
away like that, work two days trying to achieve this research, and come back
with not having answered his questions. And he again mentioned that he could
not believe that I did not do a thorough research, enough to find all the
(irrelevant) events his wife found.
Now, I'm sorry to say, but the guy
perhaps is not that intelligent. First he would know I did not have enough time
at the time to first do an exhaustive research of the market, two, not enough
time to write the report, and three, that my report was actually trying to answer
the questions on his guide. Now, why would he decide to be so blind and not see
what is evident? I told him today but his answer was that in which case I need
to be clearer and to the point, he does not have the time to find my answers in
my 4 page report. Fair enough.
At the same time, he wanted me to
answer all these questions for all relevant events. In the end he identified
ten. What he really was asking was actually more like a report of 100 pages,
and he wanted that in two days. This is so unrealistic. I understand now that
these are management tricks, however you still need to be logical in what you
are asking, and reasonable, otherwise we will just disconnect and learn to not
take it personally as my valley girl said and does.
Poor her, actually she was not
responsible for one person being sacked, but two. Her two assistants, whom she
convinced everyone were incapable of doing anything. At the same time she was
told she was incompetent and tells me she is on their black list, especially
after this wedding of hers which took forever to prepare and was taking most of
her time. The wedding cost so much, if they had decided to forgo it, they could
have bought a house instead. And now she regrets not having bought one instead.
I don't think I have mentioned yet
the guy responsible for sales. Probably because he is such a nice guy, until I
guess he finds out I'm gay. I'm pretty sure it won't sit well with him, he is
so much into sports and pushing his kids into football and baseball, etc.
Just saw photos, very nice family.
Somehow I feel he could be gay, or is it just that he reminds me so much of my
first boyfriend, with his manners and expressions. Quite possible, and yet he
is so tactile, especially with the girls around here, he needs to touch them all
the time.
He used to drop me home on his way
back home at 5 pm, but now I have a bicycle, so it won't happen again. I feel
he will eventually invite me to some sport event or ask me to actually take
part in sports, but he has not done so yet in the last month. He mentioned that
we should go for a bicycle ride, I'm not sure yet if I will accept. He has two
nice sons, and perhaps his second wife has daughters, or I don't quite
understand who are all these people in the photos he showed me.
And now I feel terribly guilty that
I have been writing all day instead of working. Even though it is clear my boss
just gave me anything to do until he finishes what he is doing and can again
concentrate on our project. He said: take a few days to identify the main persons
we need to contact. Something for once that I actually could do in two hours!
So I guess the question would be, what I would be doing if I was not writing
right now, wondering how long the last hour and forty minutes would actually
seem to last, five hours more like it.
I would like to go and buy myself a
toasted egg sandwich, but she only sells them in the morning, and I'm not sure
why. This is ridiculous, what we eat for breakfast these days is so heavy and
diversified, especially in the
Merde, I have just sent another
e-mail again with a spelling mistake. I am so terrible at this now, I don't
read myself again and I used to depend on Word as my editor for the emails I
send. However at the moment I am a bit stuck, because I cannot use Word as my
editor, my version of Word is too old. I cannot either set the spelling check,
and hyperlinks just don't work.
So in essence this whole computer
is basically completely out of date and I can't even download anything because
I don't have administrator's privilege. As a consequence the whole thing is
bugged, because I have applications requesting updates, which will no longer
work unless I download these updates, and ultimately my computer is broken and
I am powerless to change anything since I am locked out of it.
It is like teasing me. Here is a
computer, but don't dream of using it, this is a privilege for the
administrator, whoever that is. I don't know who came up with this great idea
of creating user accounts and an administrator, but we should shoot the guy.
Thank you for locking us all out of our computers and render them completely
useless. At this rate, I might consider an Apple, as long as it is impossible
to lock us out!
You can tell this is the end of the
day, and that I am forcing myself to write just so the last 20 minutes might
pass faster. I'm so bored and tired, I need to get out of here. All my bosses
are still here, usually the director and the wife leave at 3 pm and my main
boss would still be here by the time I leave at 5 pm.
They must be struggling for real
with the marketing of that conference. I bet I could help them a lot, however
they are not asking for my help and my success rate recently has not been that
great, as he reminded me today in our meeting. So I guess I should let them
play with the database, and stand far from anything that they are doing. I
should soon enough start working like crazy again, you'll see.
Now that I have a bicycle, and that
I will be home almost instantly, perhaps I should stop at Taco Time or
McDonalds. Especially since I know I will get my check tomorrow and that I will
have access to the money instantly. Now I am not so poor, and I will be able to
use my pay check to pay for my apartment, instead of using my debit card from
In fact, being unable to reach Stephen
at lunch time is the reason why I will now deal with this cashier check for my
rent tomorrow instead of today. And I only realized later today that this was
great since I will receive my pay check tomorrow anyway and I would have had to
go to the bank a second time, and complicate my life to get the money via
My only mistake was to lose
patience over this impossibility to reach Stephen when it was supposed to be
like that. Where does this leave free will? God knows, and I don't care, time to
go home.
30 November 2005
Shut up! Don't be a wimp, you are
here now, for quite a while, just accept it and move on with your life
C'est étrange. It is strange what
happened yesterday after my meeting. I thought it was the end of it, my boss
told me what he had to say. He basically told me hang in there and I will find
you something to do, let's forget the past mistakes. And I kind of went through
a second honeymoon which lasted since yesterday and will probably finish today.
They paid me for the Thanksgiving
holiday, when I should not have for the first month, and now my boss smiles to
me again and she talked to me about paying her to get her car, some sort of
huge SUV Lincoln, that my ex-boyfriend in
And the woman in HR is nice again.
I can usually tell what the weather is by how her good morning sounds like. If
she smiles, then the bosses like me, and if she barely says hi, I know
something is wrong. And she has been dark lately, but since yesterday 3 pm, she
is nice again. So it is nice to be in their good grace again, even though I
have not done anything to deserve this.
It is more that perhaps they
realized yesterday that I was ready to go back to
I wonder now if requesting this
meeting was necessary or just a waste of time, and god knows the consequences
of frightening them like that. I think they thought I was so committed already
that their aggressive management style would work fine on me. I'm stuck here
after all from their point of view.
I think they suddenly realized that
I could leave and go back to
I am also a bit worried about
paying a certain amount of money every month just for a car, when I could spend
$2,000 right now for an old one and not have to worry about it except perhaps
getting it fixed once it breaks down, which will be soon I suppose. You get
what you pay for and I should have learnt my lesson with the bicycle, I should
have bought a new one. Well, my salesman here at work told me that at $80, I
could not go wrong. So perhaps it was worth it.
I kind of again feel uncomfortable
at work, I'm not sure why. This feeling that I don't have something clear to
do. Well, I should be identifying the right people to call, but I have trouble
doing that, it is difficult for me to start. I'm just afraid that suddenly
something will happen, I don't know. It is weird.
I hope I will get into gear and
forget to worry about everything. It would be nice for a change. It is all a
state of mind. And this morning when I cycled here, suddenly that question of
if I really wanted to live here came back to me, if it was a mistake and all,
and I told myself quite firmly: shut up, don't be a wimp, you are here now, for
quite a while, just accept it and move on with your life. And that second voice
at the back of my mind was so powerful, that I think I will listen to it right
now and get back to work.
I'm afraid that my ingenious plan
to hide what I am writing might not be adequate. I just re-opened the Excel sheet
and it opened right where I was writing, Column DZ, Row 503. Not only that, if
the Black guys knows about this, from the beginning, then I am definitely
giving away everything I am writing. And I have had very vague hints that it
may be so.
I am also worried that when I
delete certain files from my history, it might be going into the Recycle Bin. And
I don't have access to the Recycle Bin, so I cannot delete them for real.
However I'm sure the Administrator has access to that bin and can quickly see what
are these files that I am deleting, which are obviously the files I don't want
them to have access to. At the same time, it is possible that I am really
attracting attention to them by deleting them.
I am becoming obsessed with these
Big Brothers measures (I used to write in French in my files, and it was less
worrying), and I now really hate Microsoft for having made it so easy to spy on
us like that. I am going to do a huge research on the Internet, I want to know
everything there is to know about how employers can spy on their employees and
how I can go around it. So for now I will also hide the columns. He might not
think of that one and not realize that some columns have disappeared.
No matter how much you are trying
to plan your day, as soon as it depends on other people, it can all change. I
almost walked here this morning instead of taking my bicycle, thinking I would
be dropped home by one of my colleagues after seeing the preview film with
Jodie Foster tonight. She is sick, so now I'm not so sure if I want to go
alone. I was supposed to have lunch with the
He does not look affected by
anything, he looks all right and happy. And for once I would like it if he were
to tell me that everything is fine and that he loves it here. However he always
says that he is very busy and he has no time to do anything, and this is why he
has reported lunch many times already. So he must be under pressure, that he
does not even go to lunch. I look forward hearing his story, I wished I would
have heard it today, but I guess it will have to wait until tomorrow.
3 December 2005
I am in a free fall! God Bless
I woke up this Saturday morning,
and once again I acted like I did not know where I was. After a while, after
realizing where I was and what I had done by coming here to
Oh, and I don’t have an iron board,
but I have the iron. I bought everything in Sears because it was the closest
shop. I found everything, I bought the cheapest of all appliances, towels and
bed linen. I never realized that you could buy a coffee maker, an electric can
opener, utensils and dishes, all for 10 dollars each. I never thought I would
say this but, God bless
Everything I did not buy in Sears,
I bought from this lovely Indian couple living in the building next door. They
are going back to
Anyway, I bought most of the stuff
they themselves bought in Sears. Everyone at work told me that Sears was a big
no-no, to not buy anything there. My parents always shopped in Sears in the 70s
and 80s, everyone in
And if Sears is a big no-no, I
guess Woolworth cannot even reach the scale for being judged as a proper place
to shop. And if I had not gone to Sears, where else should have I gone?
Wal-Mart perhaps? Targets, which I have been told is an up-market Wal-Mart?
Well, I guess they will need to
open even more Targets and Wal-Marts in
The problem with Sears in
I called Stephen this morning, it
had been a few days since I spoke to him and I was starting to wonder if he
still existed or if the last ten years with him were just a figment of my
imagination. I found a nice picture of him of when we were in
He went on and on about what I
should do about buying a car and the questions I needed to ask. In the end I
know I won’t do any of this, and probably just get taken for a ride by the seller.
Anyway, he brought me back to reality, it is his way to make me forget to worry
about my problems, filling my head with unimportant comments about what I
should be doing.
Some days I wish I was a bit more
gay, I’m sure I would be clued up about what to do and where to buy. How are these
extremely gay people, who know everything, cope with switching countries? I
guess they link up with people of their kind and do a data transfer about all
this stuff I don’t know about and that by being gay I should have been born
with.
Not sure if extremely gay people
would have been able to plug two computers together, bought some cheap
speakers, and concoct a television with a DVD player on one portable computer,
while the other one is free to write on and get emails.
I’m sure most gay people would
never have bought towels for $2.38 each in Sears, and now I bitterly regret
having done so. They had something like 10 different sorts of white towels, all
identical, but with price tags ranging from $2 to $20 each. What’s the
difference I thought?
Well, my whole studio is full of
fluffy white thingies, and my clothes that were washed with them, and myself. Just
great! I guess this is how most gay people learn, through experience. Somehow I
feel they would have known better right from the start. Buy expensive things,
and you will never have to worry about fluff thingies.
So I better speak about my lunch
with the
He wrote some musical recently
which is produced somewhere, and it is now going unto a DVD. However it is not
connected with any big studio or distributor, and hence they will sell 20
copies at most. Maybe 40, if the three guys who wrote that stuff have a big
family able to afford a DVD. Maybe 20, family and friends usually don’t buy
your books or DVDs.
Still, I only had to speak about my
own projects, throw in NBC and PBS, and that was it, shallow people are so
predictable. He is some sort of an artificial person. He has a radio phonic
voice and speaks like a machine. I told him, he agreed. I feel the poor guy is
smiling at all time, but inside it is crumbling and shaking, and he just wants
to get out and scream!
I have a hard time describing him,
apart from the fact that I thought I was fat (when I’m not that bad really),
and three of me would fit in his clothes. He seems young, even though all his
hair is of a bright white. How old is he then? 40 something I would venture to
say. I could never kiss him, I would die first.
As a friend however, you could not
hope for better. I believe he will be my ally in this office, with the valley
girl, now that I had lunch with them and told them that I had a small problem
with the management. I’m on their side, and that is important.
However, he is so perfect at work,
like a robot, he loves the director. I’m glad someone enjoys that job, that
makes one. It is in a way reassuring to find out that it is possible to be
happy there. If one employee is fine, then perhaps two can be. And this is how
I felt this week.
I actually had an intelligent
conversation with my boss on Friday. We spoke like equals, passionately, about
the most boring subject you could ever find on this planet. Finance and
politics. For once, there was not even a hint that he was my boss. We looked
like two kids planning a new event, which could be very successful.
And then, oh surprise, the more we
research the subject, the more all my wild guesses got verified. It turns out
that I was right all along! So ten years in conferences has not scrambled my
brain. My report done instantly, was actually right! And that is what we are
going to do. God, give me the energy and motivation!
8 December 2005
Weird days in
Today was a weird day. My first
weird one since I’ve been in
I am no longer under my boss, I’m
back under the director. Now he has to get back to speed on everything I have
done so far to figure out what it is that I am doing. He hopes to do that
tonight. Good luck!
I have also learned that the
research period was over, we’re moving on with the event. I’m going to start
doing this thing, and I feel quite confident about it since I have never researched
an event that much in my life. I know more about the topic than I do about my
own life, that says it all.
But then I got home, I got drunk, I
dropped my beer on my new General Electric phone and now it is broken. I’ll
bring it back to Best Buy tomorrow or the next day, pretending I don’t know why
this phone does not work.
And then I dropped my beer and my
glass of water on my computers. Don’t ask me how I managed that, it was a weird
day. Almost destroyed both my computers in one night (destroyed one actually),
and both my phones. I hate it when it happens, it would not have been the first
time. I was so enraged, I almost destroyed everything there was in my studio.
Losing my phone prompted me to call
somewhere. But then, having a stupid T-Mobile phone, none of my cards from any
of the three countries they are from, could add stupid credits on it either
online or on the phone. So I went out, completely drunk, to try to buy credits
for that mobile phone.
My Seven Eleven was shut! At 9h43
pm! For god’s sake! Most Seven Eleven are now 24h! Not mine apparently, they
close before 11h pm. So I had to go two miles away, to another Seven Eleven.
Over there, an Indian guy. But this
one is not your average Indian guy, he’s from Hounslow in
So we talked, I asked him what he
was doing here, he appeared lost, so in the end I said: big mistake coming
here, wasn’t it? He said yes. Just what I needed to hear, on this weird day!
Thank god there was that Californian woman in the queue. She asked me how long
I had been here. I said one month, and still wondering if it was a mistake. And
she said:
Everyone else I meet who’s not from
here, truly wonder why they are here and regret coming here in the first place.
And that Indian guy, probably does not have any dream to succeed in
And then I thought, gosh, I wish I
was working in a Seven Eleven alone at night. Reminds me of my long days at
These days are over. Now I am
dealing with bureaucracy and social hierarchy. The psychology of it anyway. No
time to think about work, that’s for sure. Just the misery of having to answer
to bosses and justify myself at every single second of the day.
And I must be very drunk to talk
like this in my blog. But hey, are you reading blogs to get the truth or what?
Otherwise watch the news, it’s filled with all the lies you will ever need, to
feel comfy in your little home filled with stuff bought in Sears. Just don’t
admit to any of it. Especially the channel you watch the news from. In
I’m so drunk now! I’m sure it would
not sit well with the DMV of California. The whatever Motor Vehicle thingy. For
which I have to pass the test tomorrow, and I have not revised for the test. I
don’t care to fail again, a seventh time, over three countries, over a 20 year
period.
I have three driving licenses!
Which one do you need? Which insurance policy? Whatever else? I don’t care
anymore. I’m fed up with all this and your zero tolerance for just about
everything that is worth it in this miserable existence. Get a life! And leave
me alone!
Apparently the
I just finished my White Zinfadel
huge bottle of rosé wine from
What a shame it would be not to see
the sunshine the next day, since the South Californian sunshine is so nice,
even on a 8th of December. The thing is, you can only fully
appreciate it if you are a lost cause and don’t need to work for a living, for
whatever reason. It is not my case, so to hell the Californian sunshine! It
won’t help me with my conference which is not going anywhere anytime soon. Dear
me…
They’ve hired a real Management
Consultant at work this week, he starts next Monday. I guess this is a clear
message to me: I’m the fake one. I’m only a Management Consultant by title, by
law, for immigration purposes. Not a real one, silly me. How could have I
thought otherwise? Was it not evident from the start? I guess these things need
to be spelt out. Can’t believe I’m thinking about that now, that’s just too
much. I’m going to bed…
God I’m lost. Not only because I am
in a strange country, in a strange city… I’m just completely lost. What I am
doing here? Why I am still here on this planet? I wish I could end it all
tonight. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired…
10 December 2005
Nothing’s Impossible in
That song Nothing’s Impossible on
the new Depeche Mode album, it depresses me. As it used to do, their albums,
when I was 12. I only realized that when my valley girl at work said that her
parents were freaking out because she was listening to Depeche Mode, and that
was the kind of music they thought would make her commit suicide.
It is true that I have been very
much inspired in writing my best work listening to Depeche Mode and The Cure,
and now I understand that it is very depressing music. It is also very
addictive, it brings you somewhere else altogether, perhaps what drugs would do
to someone, however I don’t have much experience in that domain.
How could Martin Gore still be
depressed after all these millions and success, enough to write a song like
Nothing’s Impossible? Apparently he is in the middle of a divorce. His wife, as
it the oldest fashion of all times, is bringing him to the cleaners, and will
probably keep the money and the kids and everything. Worth making millions and
getting married, just to see it all crumble to dust when it is divorce time!
And that time always come.
At the beginning I listened to it
while walking to work, looking at the palm trees and big mountains in the
background, and it was breathtaking. I was listening to it with my own
interpretation, as I did most of my life in the case of Depeche Mode, since I
barely understood English all the early years I was listening to their albums.
And it was much better that way. It left everything to my imagination.
Some lines were applicable to me
being lost alone in
Just give me a reason, some kind of sign
I'll need a miracle to help me this time
I heard what you said, and I feel the same
I know in my heart that I'll have to change
That was so perfect. And this was
me and Stephen lost in
How did we get to be this far apart?
How did we get to be this far apart?
I want to be with you, something to share
I want to be near you, sometimes I care
And at some place he says “How did
we get to be so far gone”, and he repeats it twice, and the second time the
voice is like cavernous, as if he was about to lose consciousness. This really
gets to me.
I see the stars every night on my
balcony, and I’m trying to convince myself that Nothing’s impossible, that I
can go through this, that it may be my dreams coming reality though I cannot
see that right now:
Even the stars look brighter tonight
Nothing's impossible
How you can connect so much with a
song is a mystery. And as I said before, I wish I could achieve that in
literature. Seems impossible. But nothing’s impossible, Dave Gahan said it, and
he is well placed to know.
Dear me! Just read an interview
about the new album “Playing the Angel”, and Martin Gore states as a joke, that
the album was taking a direction like:
Anything that appealed to
dysfunctional people!
And that’s it, I’m just
dysfunctional and I have always been. Terrible thing to say. I’m a freak! As
long as I enjoy it, I don’t mind being dysfunctional. Better that than having a
normal life, no nervosa, no problems, and of course, no personality and nothing
to say. You might just enjoy not existing then. I feel the pain, “the pain that
I’m used to”.
I just had a flash, listening to
Nothing’s Impossible. The building where I work right now, the walk with the
mountains in the San Fernando Valley, the cleanliness of it all, my apartment,
the building, the car park of the shopping center, everything.
This is the kind of flash I get
years later, once I have left the place and listen to the music I was listening
to then. And it was a nice flash, great memories which will last me a lifetime.
I think I will get to like the place.
Which brings the question, you
know, what place will this book I am writing right now will have in all the
stuff I have written in my life? Because, you know, I have few of these books
already published and they were sort of popular. And since I’m not going to stop
writing any time soon, eventually they might get known in Québec and finally be
appreciated.
That’s the plan anyway. And a book
about the youngster arriving in
This could be my most important
book ever. The one I could be remember for if ever I get more known and break
that barrier and finally sell more copies. I had not thought about this up
until now. Even though, of course, it has always been at the back of my mind.
The only reason I’m here, is because of this book I’m writing now and perhaps
the fictional one I will write in parallel (and of course, the film scripts).
It just occurs to me now that it
was perhaps more than just moving into a new city, a new life, writing a couple
of books, and get out. It could be it, it could be the most important thing.
And I am babbling like crazy about the most stupid details and emotions I am
experiencing. Nothing grandiose, as grand as the new DepMod album.
But that’s it, this is what I’m
known for, this is what I do. It is the only content I can get in here. I even
made the decision earlier on, that this would be written for me, and not for
anyone else. Otherwise I would not speak of my emotions, my fears, how a wimp I
can be sometimes.
I would describe to you some sort
of paradise filled with actors and actresses and the whole
For my most important book, which
would be in any case, whatever the content or what I might say. Because what
sells, it is the concept, the marketing, the idea. Not the content or the
style. I know that now.
The young writer leaving everything
behind,
Am I making history here with these
few babblings without realizing it? Am I putting the last nail on my coffin as
a writer? Nothing after that will top this book? Another irony, is that it is
the first one I actually write in English. None of my fans so far appears to be
able to read English. So unless it is translated (and I won’t translate it, you
can be certain of that), this will be the one book they will never read, but
wish they could.
So I guess they will do like I did
for so many years listening to Depeche Mode, they will imagine for themselves
what it is that I’m talking about here. And it might be just as well. The
mystery will remain, and they will imagine something greater than what it is. A
boring blog from just another blogger in
And now, I certainly will go to bed
and forget I just said that. Tomorrow, one way or another, I’m buying a convertible
Mustang. It is not my style, it is not my personality, but I have to do it. I
have to get the ceiling down and go to
And if that does not do it, then I
might as well just pack my bags and go back to
13 December 2005
Driving in a convertible Mustang
under an
For the last two days I have been
in bed with the flu. Missed two days of work so far, not sure about tomorrow,
the day I’m supposed to pass my behind the wheel driving test since I passed my
written one on Friday with only one wrong answer. I don’t think I could do the
test, which means I don’t think I can go to work.
How is this going to sit with my
bosses? God knows. I’ve seen people in there dragging themselves to work even
when they were sick, one even puked on his desk and yet continued to work. It
would probably be the first time in their 19 years history that an employee is
sick three days in a row.
However, I have no energy, I just
fall in my bed and sleep all day. And at the moment they are doing asphalt
outside and they are making so much noise! And now I have started to cough. I
feel bad about all this and I’m sure there will be great consequences with my
boss, who could not even let me go to a driving test too far away if it meant two
more hours away from work.
I did not buy the Mustang, I went
to a retailer, the guy was not very nice, and the car appeared to be older than
what they stated. I was so disgusted by all this that I will not buy a Mustang
anymore. It is a Ford after all, it would probably cost me a fortune in
repairs. And this one sounded like it needed a lot of repairs, even with only
Stephen just called from
The cats in the background were
causing havoc, he was speaking very fast about unimportant things, and
suddenly, right after he finished speaking, it was time to finish the phone
call because he was afraid of the phone bill.
I wonder if he realizes that this
is building a canyon between us, that I cannot even find support and
reassurance talking with him. The ocean separating us is now both physical and
psychological. It does not make me feel like I miss him or
And I admit it could all be part of
the design, my destiny, to help me accept my life here. If everything back home
sounded like a brilliant Christmas celebration around a tree, I would feel bad
now for being here.
Neither of us knows yet if he will
come or if I will go back for Christmas. Christmas falling on a Saturday, none
of us has much holiday this year. He has a lot compared with me, but does not
have the money. I could buy his ticket, and this would be taken from the money
for the car… we’ll see.
14 December 2005
Wonderful Corporate
I feel guilty today for not going
to work again. I feel OK this morning, but I did the last two days just before
falling into a coma for the rest of the day. I just don’t know if today will be
different and if I will be able to survive the whole day without being sick
again, or if I will require another 24 hours sleep like in the last two days.
If I need more sleep, I would know I did not need to go to work and then I will
feel less guilty. If I don’t need sleep then I am fine and I should have gone
to work.
Tomorrow I have to go back, and it
will be very difficult indeed to face the people and my bosses. I hope they
will not think for one second that I was faking it. It did happen conveniently,
just when I was put back under the Director. Hopefully they will not draw any
conclusions.
I would love to go back home for
Christmas, but how can I now negotiate the extra days off I would need to do
so, after being sick for three days? Oh dear, I just read my contract sent to
me long ago. I have 7.5 days paid holidays the first year, and only three sick
days the first year. This must be the worst contract I have ever signed. Surely
this is illegal? Wonderful Corporate
I guess my pay check will be cut
this month, and I can forget going to
15 December 2005
Passing my third driving license
test in
I am at work right now. Strangely I
would have thought my Director would have had the time to read all about my
conference by now and would have thanked me to have given him the time to do so
by being sick for three days. He pretty much seems to have put everything on
hold and now I’m not sure what to do until he has the time to read it all.
I could continue to make phone
calls, but this is dangerous. I’m not sure how much more I would learn. Every
new person contradicts the last one, and it could take me three days and some overtime
at home to transcribe one hour conversation in a file. So I guess I will wait
and soon enough my Director will get back to me.
I understand why he did not feel
like reading anything. Both my boss and I dropped over five thousand sheets on
his desk and virtually told him: there, read all that in a day. So today I took
it all back under his advisement and came back with three small folders to
read, with the third one not being particularly important.
I suppose I could now write a new
report about this event and how I feel we should go about it, however I find
myself in the situation that I would rewrite the same report I did before,
which was qualified as completely off the mark. So I guess I will stand far
from writing reports from now on, you never know how it could turn out.
I just asked the whole office if
someone could come with me to do my behind the wheel driving test. Hopefully
one will say yes. Otherwise I am not certain what I will do. I will have to
rent a car and get my new writer friend to come with me. Unless I buy a car
this weekend, and then I would still need him to come since I am not
technically allowed to drive in
Who would have thought it was so
complicated to pass a driving test. Already that I was supposed to do it
yesterday in
Dear me, I just spoke with my boss
and she sorted me out. I will use her husband’s car for the test, she will
order Isabella to come with me, and I will be insured to pass the test tomorrow
in
And still part of my idea that from
now on everything will be great at work, I will work hard and projects will
move on. Of course, now I only need my Director to get back to me to let me
know when and where we start. He is about to leave for the day, so not sure
what I will do for the last hour and a half. Read probably about the topic of
my conference.
I have to call the daughter of my
boss tonight to ask her about what the test will be about. That’s nice. She
ordered me something though, she said I needed to pass the first time around.
And she added: so no pressure! Of course, this was as a joke, however I do
understand that it would be extremely inconvenient not to pass the first time.
I am being judged on so many
insignificant details, I could easily fail, even with my 18 years experience as
a driver and my already two confirmed driving licenses from two different
countries, where they don’t even drive on the same right of the road. So I have
to be careful here to pass, and I am not certain how I will manage that. Better
start thinking positive and convince myself that I will pass. I won’t get a
second chance.
What is also exciting, is that the
wall between our actual office and the one next door goes down this weekend. So
sometimes next week perhaps we will have a much larger office and we will no
longer be sitting over each other listening to each other phone calls.
And I will no longer hopefully be
right in front of my boss where he can at every single second see what it is
that I am doing. This is not nice to feel over watched like this, because I
can’t even turn around to check if he is in his office or not, he would see me.
So I have to assume he is always in there looking at me and my computer screen.
They have also hired a few more
people, and this is always good to shift the attention towards them instead of
me. Especially if they are not too competent, since suddenly they can see that
I am.
I remember my third job in
conferences, they really thought I was bad and they were overlooking everything
I did, until they suddenly had to hire four new producers without any
experience. Overnight I had them off my back forever. It was amazing.
I am at work right now, strangely I
would have thought my Director would have had the time to read all about my
conference by now and would have thanked me to have given him the time to do so
by being sick for three days. He pretty much seems to have put everything on
hold and now I’m not sure what to do until he has the time to read it all. I
could continue to make phone calls, but this is dangerous. I’m not sure how
much more I would learn, every new person contradicts the last one, and it
could take me three days and overtime at home to transcribe one hour
conversation in a file. So I guess I will wait and soon enough my Director will
get back to me. I understand why he did not feel like reading anything. Both my
boss and I dropped over five thousand sheets on his desk and virtually told
him: there, read all that in a day. So today I took it all back under his
advisement and came back with three small folders to read, with the third one
not being particularly important. I suppose I could now write a new report
about this event and how I feel we should go about it, however I find myself in
the situation that I would rewrite the same report I did before, which was
qualified as completely off the mark. So I guess I will stand far from reports
from now, you never know how it could turn out. I just asked the whole office
if someone could come with me to do my behind the wheel driving test. Hopefully
one will say yes. Otherwise I am not certain what I will do. I will have to
rent a car and get my new writer friend to come with me. Unless I buy a car
this weekend, and then I would still need him to come since I am not
technically allowed to drive in
Ici ici problem – repeat of the
same paragraph, see page 90
Dear me, I just spoke with my boss
and she sorted me out. I will use her husband’s car for the test, she will
order Isabella to come with me, and I will be insured to pass the test tomorrow
in
What is also exciting, is that the
wall between our actual office and the one next door goes down this weekend. So
sometimes next week perhaps we will have a much larger office and we will no
longer be sitting over each other listening to each other phone call. And I
will no longer hopefully be right in front of my boss where he can at every
single second see what it is that I am doing. This is not nice to feel over
watched like this, because I can’t even turn around to check if he is in his
office or not, he would see me. So I have to assume he is always in there
looking at me and my computer screen. They have also hired a few more people,
and this is always good to shift to attention towards them instead of me.
Especially if they are not too competent, since suddenly they can see that I
am.
I remember my third job in
conferences, they really thought I was bad and they were overlooking everything
I did, until they suddenly had to hire four new producers without any
experience. Overnight I had them off my back forever. It was wonderful.
16 December 2005
Pyramidal Schemes. God damned
I failed my behind the wheel
driving test. I did not fail it once, but at least 6 times, since I have made
that many mistakes. Well, two definitely that would have got me a total failure
as a result. And a few others which might have led to failure, if the two
serious ones did not put them in the shadow. I am now wondering if I will pass
it the second time around, since it seems so simple to make a mistake, when I would
have thought myself that I did none.
Then my boss offered me to go to a car
place this weekend with her to look at cars, since she needs to sell hers and I
don't want it. But then she changed her mine and said it would not be
convenient. Then she offered that I keep her husband's car this weekend, to
help me shop for cars. But then again, she kind of changed her mind, on the
spot.
Perhaps these helpful ideas are
coming to her too quickly and she realizes afterwards that maybe her husband
might not like the idea that much, because it is a bit inconvenient. All of this
has been a bit embarrassing today and on top of it, I failed that damn exam,
and I am a bit discouraged now about it all.
I finally just got the key for the
toilet (and also of the front door so I can come and work over the weekend,
like if I would!). It took me only a month and a half to get that famous key,
and I think it is more because they got tired of seeing me go to their office
and get the key. Also that all the new temps are males, and so probably want
the key the second I myself go to the toilet. As in these matters, luck is
always against you and we all need to go to the toilet at the same time.
That is a result, I now have full
access to the toilet, which is just astonishing. I don't need to advertise it
when I need a pee. And also, when I leave for lunch or go buy a sandwich, it
will be less obvious since I could be going to the toilet instead. At the
moment, they know I am not going to the toilet if I don't go and get the key
first.
The new guys who started are the
weirdest looking thing ever, and if I had to judge them on look alone, I would
never have hired them. So perhaps they have a brain after all, I'm just not
sure.
The first guy has many earrings, in
both ears and a few in the nose. He is very short and is the splitting image of
Jack Osbourne. Poor kid, I feel pity for him. He sits there without saying a
word, I almost wonder if he has any personality. He started two days ago or
something, so I can understand that he is in a frozen state and might like to
disappear in the floor.
It made me appreciate the other
people in the office who have a lot of personality and intelligence, and
perhaps even style. Though I’m not sure yet if I would venture that far as to
say so. They think they have style, I just need to compare with the rest of
The other new guy looks very weird,
almost like a fish. Well his mouth definitely is in the shape of a fish's
mouth. He is from
He has two jobs, another miserable
one. I think he washes dishes in a restaurant, well, he definitely also works
in a restaurant, on top of his 30 hours here. He says that when he is not here,
he is at the restaurant, and he did not mention sleeping at all.
Funny enough, you would have guessed,
he is an actor. Not even an aspiring actor, a real actor as he states. Even
though he only appeared in two commercials and he is a South Korean guy who
looks like a fish. Please someone tell me, how in hell is this guy ever going
to succeed at being an actor here in
And I bet you it will take him a
few years to let go of his dreams, perhaps he will never let go. It is very
sad. He decided also to turn writer. He worked as an accountant on a popular
show and wrote a part for himself for the show that he sent to the
producer/writer.
He keeps calling the guy but the
guy is not answering. I wonder why, and I wonder how many of those lunatics are
trying to contact him on a daily basis with their own writings and
uninteresting written parts.
Come on, who would want in his
popular series, a South Korean who had a prostitute for a mother who eventually
died, and now tries to find his father somewhere in the U.S.? Is that not
already the topic of a popular musical anyway?
And if you thought you had heard
everything, check that next one. My wonderful and nice colleague in Sales, who
sits next to me, the nice guy, frightened me today. He tried not to assault me
sexually, no, that I would have been able to deal with (I would have jumped in
his half opened shirt right there on the spot (yeah, I’m getting desperate!)). He
tried to recruit me in some sort of secret society or cult.
Well, that was what it sounded like
from the very first minute that he told me about his business venture on which
he has been working on for almost two years, and will eventually leave his job
to be working full time on it.
The way he presented this to me was
just too much. And paranoid as I am, I thought there was something beyond the
coincidence that was actually frightening. I will tell you all from the
beginning, since I have plenty of time to kill this afternoon, since my
director did not get back to me with anything to do and I am running out of
ideas about what I should be doing next…
Well, I am now writing this at 2h32
am. I did not have the chance to tell you that story at work. As if they were
reading what I was writing, almost instantly, my boss put me on a third
conference to research. Great, never mind, I much prefer to do many half jobs
on different topics than actually doing anything concrete.
So now I can tell you how sad my
colleague is, and brainwashed into some sort of pyramidal scheme which is
doomed to failure. And he knows it, he told me that there was a lot of negative
stuff on the net about what he was about to jump in. But he chooses to ignore
it, convinced somehow that he is making the right decision.
If you do a quick search on Google
under the name of the company “World Financial Group Scam”, you will completely
understand what he is getting into. Otherwise, just do a search on “Herbal
Life” without the word “scam”, and it will lead you to the same result. Scam,
no money in there for sure, how to mortgage your life instantly, make the
biggest mistake of your life, etc.
And I felt so powerless! He is such
a nice guy! Who struggled in court with his first wife who liquidated him as
most wives do (it is in their title, nature, etc.). And he has two wonderful
sons, and a new wife, and everything is fine, and he is about to destroy it all
again, to leave his paying job in conferences, for that scam thing which will
lead to disaster!
I understood right there that he
was beyond saving. He is just not intelligent enough, and he is already
completely brainwashed. It was like a religion to him. Simple minded folks,
beyond hope, beyond saving. While I was trying to convince him to not abandon
his family and sons for that scam, he was actually trying to sell me
insurances, and insisting upon it. It was beyond hope.
For a second there, I thought the
only way I could save him, was to help destroy that scam company which should
be judged illegal anyway. Where would I find the time? It is a destiny thing,
and my destiny is somewhat reserved for some higher purpose. Succeeding as a
scriptwriter in
Poor guy. There is nothing I can
do. He told me not to tell the bosses about his business venture. I asked him,
sincerely, why would he tell me then? I’m the new guy? How could he ever trust
me? Simple, the will to sell me insurance was stronger than the will to make
sure the bosses won’t learn about this. And he already told half the office
about it, hoping to sell them insurances the day he actually becomes allowed to
sell them, as he still needs to follow some courses and get a license or
something.
I told him, look, when you are gay,
you only need to tell one person in the office before all six floors of the
office and even the sub-offices all around town, know all about it the very
next day. It is not possible to keep a secret at work, even if you tell only
one person. As soon as you did that mistake, and I know it, everyone knows.
So the bosses know all about his
stupid scheme by now, and they also understand it will be the mistake of his
life. But can’t do anything about it since it would be admitting that they are
spying on us, which they do! Even this could not get into his brain. But who
cares at this point, he is too far gone.
The worrying thing was how this
whole thing was presented to me by him. It sorts of told me that these people
would actually use methods that go far beyond the call of duty to recruit new
people they thought would be great salesmen, as my colleague is, despite his
shortcomings.
He had a friend, he came home to do
a presentation, his wife was so impressed, she said: you need to get into this,
you need to become one of them! And then they forgot all about it. Until a 27
year old girl bought a house next door for 750,000 dollars. When he went to meet
her, he found out she was working for the World Financial Group, the same
company his friend had supposedly created with another guy.
Then there was a party at the
girl’s house. There, he met the partner of his friend, who conveniently arrived
in a black limousine. That partner immediately knew who my colleague was, and
affirmed that his friend was talking about him everywhere all the time (which
is so unlikely!).
And since then, my colleague has
been working for them for a year and a half without making a penny. He attends
these big meetings twice a week, recruiting new people for the bottom of the
pyramid, the ones actually doing selling, and now there are probably too many,
working for a company with a mortgaged name, as it is getting known now that it
is a scam.
I am amazed by all this, and
frightened by the extent of what they have done to get to him. And I completely
understand why he has been so charmed by all of this, I would have as well. And
not only that, he would be their best salesman, and probably would make them a
lot of money, and perhaps do some in the process. And we are not talking about
herbal life, these deals bring a lot of money in. No wonder he is blind, he
thinks he can make a lot of money.
In the end, it is a pyramidal
scheme, it is doomed to failure. The days of that company are numbered, not counting
that their reputation has already gone down the drain. Bad mistake, bad
judgment, unacceptable for a father of two sons who has already done so many
mistakes. You need security, stability, not more life mistakes!
It is now my mission to make him
understand that, to make sure he keeps his job where I work. Not sure how I
will do this. Perhaps it was the whole reason for me being in
I will save that poor guy who does
not have enough intelligence to see through the greed of others. And it will be
damn difficult, because in the process I will have to lose a friend, and will have
to suffer being sold insurance that I don’t need on a daily basis.
God damned
19 December 2005
Breakthrough with my Director! And
changing this world on a massive scale
I could not believe it! Twice today
I got compliments from my Director, and hopefully this will mark the end of his
non-respect towards me and my aptitudes.
Today he finally took the time to
read all the interviews I did on the phone in the past few weeks. And when we
discussed it, I said that some of them did not know what they were talking
about.
He was so impressed by that simple
sentence, he commended me for realizing so quickly that many of these people we
call know even less than us on the subjects we are trying to find answers
about. He mentioned that other researchers in the company before were misled in
believing everything they hear.
And then, less than an hour later,
he stopped to tell me that what I had done so far was excellent and that I was
very good with the interviews in order to find out the exact information we
needed.
In fact, though my bosses will
never admit to this, I believe they suddenly thought that I could be an asset
to this organization. This is probably why they have changed their perception
of me, are much nicer now and I got the car of my boss for almost a full week
to go around town and pass my driving license.
Hopefully I will have that damn
license tomorrow. I have to go for a second time for the behind the wheel test,
in
Other news, I won’t be going back
to
I feel I should, I asked Stephen
what he thought about this. It would be nice to see them even for five days, I
have not seen them in five years. So they don’t forget about me and that I am
no stranger to my new niece who is now two years old and already speaks! Usually
no one remembers anything before the age of three, so at this time it makes no
difference if I see her now or next year.
However it is my sister’s baby and
I remember that I felt bad a few years ago about my two new cousins not knowing
me very much. We have a small family on my mother’s side, it is important to
keep contact. And on my father’s side, the family is so large, that it does not
matter if I don’t see any of them for the rest of my lifetime.
I just spoke with my mom, and
because they are sending me 500 dollars that I should receive tomorrow, they
feel it would be criminal to come and see them over Christmas, since this money
is to help me set myself up in
Someone asked me if I talk as much
as I write. Yes I do. Though I have learned in time to speak less and listen
more. If I'm drunk, it would be advisable to stay away from me. I have a tendency
to say all that I think. I could be even more open and honest in this blog, I
have to say. But I'm afraid, here, this is all you will get.
I can at least tell you that
Stephen is in the process of getting a visa to come and live with me here in
I have been very much alone since I
have arrived in
Stephen does not offer me much at
the moment in terms of emotional support, unfortunately. He is also very good
at driving me crazy. He has a hard drug addiction, not counting that he is an
alcoholic, and sex has become a stranger in our relationship. Which is very
unfortunate. But I'm willing to continue this relationship at this time. We
have decided today to remain where we are this Christmas, to save money for
when, and if, he makes the big jump and joins me here in
He was here though, he arrived with
me almost two months ago and remained here for one week. At the end of that one
week, before I brought him to LAX airport, we had sex. He was so cute naked on
my bed with, and it was so nice to be in his arms one last time, I will cherish
this memory for quite a while.
I have not yet explored the gay
life in
I am back with my own thoughts.
Wondering where I am, where I am heading, what’s happening, etc. It is
Christmas in less than five days. I will be very much alone, and I actually
prefer that anyway. I’ll just drink myself to death and probably write an
interesting few pages for my blog. I will probably be depressed, as I always am
around Christmas every year. I might meet a friend, though somehow I think it
won’t materialize.
Sometimes it is nice to be alone,
like tonight. As someone said, I do juggle with a lot at the moment. No wonder
I wrote nearly 100 pages in the last two months, and from experience, this is
over 200 pages of a normal book once published.
And yet, nothing significant
happened. This is just the introduction. My God, this blog will have 1000 pages
by the end of my first ten months in L.A. Surely this means something? Or will
everything just calm down and routine will take over?
I have important meetings soon, if
they come true, and I might start to work in films in science-fiction, even if
at the beginning it will solely be as a science consultant or technical
adviser. Eventually my own film scripts and synopses could attract attention,
and they already did somehow. Nothing and everything could happen any day. To
make this whole pilgrim to
I’m sure that from the point of
view of my destiny, something huge must happen soon. No such amount of energy
should or could have been spent otherwise. Everything has a meaning, or in
other words, it is not possible to accomplish such a radical change in one’s
life without experiencing a string of consequences that eventually will make it
all worthwhile.
I am saying this from experience.
It may not look like it, from reading this blog, and poor souls or lucky souls
reading this right now, have no idea of everything else I have written in my
life, of all my different moves in the last 15 years in five different
countries.
It is not the first time I listen
to the cry of adventure, and decides to leave everything behind. It is not even
the first time that I abandon my boyfriend of many years to change country to
pursue my dreams.
I left my first boyfriend to go and
study in
I have gone through so much in my
life, that I can assure you that the eight or nine autobiographical books I
have written so far, and they are big bricks I can tell you, are quite filled
with all of this that I have experienced and all that happened to me in the
last 12 years.
It is perhaps a shame to have
written so much about my own little person, when I could have been spending my
time writing fiction instead, or even better, about how to change this world
for the better.
I understand now that it is perhaps
more important from the point of view of a credible author, or from the point
of view of contribution to the literary world. I can’t really complain though,
my last two published books were autobiographical and have been a good success
in the French speaking countries, relatively speaking of course, for what an
average book could expect to sell, from an author who is not writing
bestsellers.
Maybe all this will change soon.
Maybe I will be writing fictional bestsellers soon. If my film scripts don’t go
anywhere, I will turn them into short stories. And I have spent so much time
imagining the perfect stories, that this book of short stories could be
impressive indeed. From a point of view of the paranormal, that is. So this is
untouched ground really, not much is about the paranormal world these days.
Love and infidelity is what they bang us on the head with. And half funny
comedies which almost become dramas, since they are so boring and insignificant.
I might never get the chance to
write full time, I might never finally break that barrier of having serious
journalists speaking about my work. I am just invisible to them, despite all
there is to say about my career and my books so far.
Stupid, I got more publicity out of
the bombings in
The French-Canadian author living
in London, avoiding the bombs on his way to work to Parliament Square in
Westminster, and who saw the blood and the human being pieces being blown out everywhere
on the street of Russell Square.
This is how it was presented to the
people, and my mom crying over me for all
This is the wonderful world of
journalism, they lie through their teeth, to make it look much worse then it
is. And they serve the purpose of terrorism very well, my own interviews
certainly frightened me out of my wits. Until I stopped to think and remembered
what it is that I actually stated on there.
And yet, after all that, I’m sure
there was no surge of visitors on my websites. And yet, I have more than one
million of them visiting my pages every year. And yet, I am still nowhere.
It is because I am ambitious, I am
pretentious, it is one billion people I want to reach every year. I need to
change this world on a massive scale. I had about five Indians from India
contacting me in the last two weeks, about my theories of the universe and
relativity, a link to my website must have appeared somewhere on the Net. It is
millions of Indians that I need to reach, and
Reading this blog, you might wonder
what it is that I could actually say to change this world on a massive scale.
It does not look like I could, and I agree, nothing of what you have read so
far could convince you that I am worth it. But I feel I am somehow, and you
could agree with me if you were to read some of my French non-autobiographical
books.
And if everything goes according to
plans, you will read them one day in your own language. And the world will be a
better place, or perhaps a worst one, since you might also understand from my
books that this is an ugly world.
It could make you feel better
though, to understand that you are not alone thinking about all that. Unless of
course you are living the perfect love affair, and don’t see anything wrong
with this world. As most people do anyway.
This world is not going anywhere
anytime soon. I talk a lot about my own destiny, what about the destiny of this
world? Does it not have a great destiny? Radical changes in sight? Some
revolutions coming, in just about every single domain of society?
Is it not the time for a full
revolution of how we think and manage this world? Is it not time for a great
revolution in Physics which would irremediably change all our technology and
greatness?
Is it not time to change our whole
political system worldwide and especially legal system to the point of
non-recognition? Is there not something better than socialism or capitalism
that we have not yet explored?
Is it not time for the paranormal
to make a comeback with some proofs from science to make it accessible to
everyone? Is it not time to understand this afterlife phenomenon, get some real
answers, and change our way to picture this universe? Is it not time to take
this U.F.O. and alien phenomenon a bit more seriously and understand the
consequences of it?
Is there not a way in this world to
actually find happiness instead of this misery of the terrible corporate world?
What are the problems, what are the solutions, and can we apply them globally
and change this world forever?
Is it too much to ask to desire
happiness? Is this an impossibility on this world? Are we incapable to make
this place livable? Are we only capable of destruction and annihilation of the
human race? Is this where we are leading humanity?
I think that if I believe that I
have a great destiny, the world must have one too. We will overcome all these
questions, all these problems, and radical changes will be required around
here.
And I will work very hard to make
it all happen, to be an element of this global change. And I won’t tell you to
recycle, I haven’t since I have arrived in
The changes I am talking about are
on a much larger scale. And my God, we are ready for that radical change, and we
are seriously overdue!
21 December 2005
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
Work, Christmas and Car
I feel weird today, but what is
new. It could be Christmas, the fact that I am not going back to
I can sort my car at lunch time,
then that settles it, I can't go since I won't have the money. I'm trying to
buy a silver Mustang convertible for $12,000. I had to get back to the idea of
a Mustang since they are the cheapest convertibles you can buy in
Of course, I have spotted the car I
would like, the new Nissan 350Z Roadster convertible, only because they look
like the Smart Cars Roadsters that Mercedes sell only in
I can't believe I am talking so
much about cars, I have zero interest in these machines. It took me 28 years to
have my first car despite my three driving licenses.
I first had the oldest car on the
road, a Volvo, then a Renault 5, and now it could be a Mustang. If I can't get
the finance, since I have no credit history here, then I'll have either an old
banger in the New Year once I get paid, or I might just accept this offer of
the Lincoln of my boss.
It is a SUV, the car everyone is
disgusted about, and this SUV is probably the largest one of all. It is also a
Ford. I dare not imagine how much it would cost to fix it once it breaks down.
Like my friend's Dodge, probably $9,000.
However it is kind of luxurious, it
is not very old, it works fine even if finding a parking space large enough for
it is kind of difficult, and no need for credit history. I could also have it
instantly, almost. Not sure if I would only get it in the New Year.
You know, when life throws at you
something like a car, and it looks too easy, and you wonder why you should take
it, if it is still $20,000 and you never really wanted a huge Ford SUV, still,
you should take it. It is obvious that this is all that destiny was able to
throw in your way, as it was before with my Renault 5. I practically inherited it
as a result of a trade-in where Stephen works.
And I fought it, and I wasted many
months without a car, and in the end, since I won't be able to get credit and
that I don't want to end up with a very old banger which will need repair
almost instantly, I will just take the offer. I should have seen before-hand
that I would eventually own a
I had a chance yesterday to speak
for the first time to the real Management Consultant. The poor guy might have a
lot of experience doing what he does, and he might have worked as he said for
the three biggest companies around, doing what he intends to do here, but he
has no clue about the conference world, which I am sure has nothing to do with
any kind of company he laid his teeth into. So in the end I am not certain how
he will be able to have such an input into making things better here, and
prepare us for the big expansion that we were told would happen soon.
However I am sure that somehow he
has learned a way to just gobble everything everyone has to say and propose
solutions which I'm sure will make sense. Somehow he will succeed in presenting
something, anything, and as a result, things might change. He must know what he
is doing, I'm sure he costs a lot of money to the company.
The thing is, he is a very nice old
man and he is obviously highly interested in everything I have to say, because
I'm pretty sure he has no clue about how the main conference companies have
evolved in time.
I told him I wrote many reports, of
course he was highly interested. I told him he would need to ask my boss before
I can give them to him, since perhaps they wanted a totally independent
analysis from him, and see what he would come up with on his own.
So finally yesterday we sent him
all my reports, and this is when I discovered that my main report about their
main competitor, never reached the inbox of my boss. And the other main report
I wrote which is about their second biggest competitor, she had received it but
never opened it.
They were not joking when they said
they never had the time to go over them, and no wonder I never got any
feedback. And no wonder the Director freaked out completely, since the first
two days that I was supposed to work with him, from his perspective, I was
writing reports which never reached my bosses.
So of course they never said to him
to bear with me, since in my eyes I was working on something quite important,
but they did not know about it. Important enough anyway that they are willing
to hire an expensive professional to look into this.
I hope for the Management
Consultant that he does not intend to do like me, write reports and send them
to my bosses. Because then, he might never get any feedback, they might never
read them, and the whole thing would have been expensive indeed.
So now I understand why my reports
never had any impact. And I was so proud of myself for having written so much
and to have been able to actually do it. And all I succeeded in doing at that
time was to alienate them all.
Now I actually have the perfect
person to be highly interested in all my reports, the real Management
Consultant. Who must have been reading all this since yesterday, and hopefully
realizes now, how much easier all of this will make his job.
With a bit of luck, he'll tell my
bosses what an amazing amount of work that was, and how helpful it was to him.
In the final analysis, whether someone tells your boss that you are worth
something, or whether he or she finds out on his or her own, makes no
difference. So all this work might finally pay off in the end, in the New Year.
If somehow I have a car at
Christmas or the New Year, and that I am about to pass it alone for my three
days off on each occasion, I will definitely just go and explore
Maybe it is time I went to visit
that
This morning I woke up and I
thought, another one of these days. Sounded very much like, for the first time,
I felt this whole thing was becoming routine. You know, when you reach a point
when every day is so much the same that you cannot remember if something
happened that Monday, Wednesday or last week. All those days look the same
anyway and you are stuck in a time loop, repeating it over and over again.
However this is crazy that I could
feel this is routine, so many things everyday are happening, I got my boss'
car, yesterday I got my driving license, today I might buy a car, I never work
on the same conference each week, and now the Management Consultant has brought
a new dimension to all my work.
So I think that, what I really
meant to say this morning when I woke up, was, oh no, not another one of these
days from hell where I will be rushing around to accomplish huge tasks about setting
myself up in L.A. Like buying a car, or finally buying a TV and DVD Recorder,
etc. These things take time, require a lot of energy, and I am running out of
steam.
I am pretty sure now that the Black
guy is reading this. I am not certain how he can figure out all my tricks about
hiding this from him, or if he can just see the files that I delete or save at
odd places, or if he only knows that I am writing but does not know what.
He asked me how I felt today, and
you don't normally ask that kind of question unless you think something might
be going wrong. And as far as he can tell, there is nothing that could be going
wrong with me.
I'm not worried with the new
Management Consultant, I look forward working with him and together perhaps we
will get somewhere. He could have thought this could have affected me, however
I don't think so. I had heated discussions with the Director this week, but
only a sort of passion about work, getting somewhere with this event, we did
not have any problem.
Remains only that he might have saw
that I was writing (he certainly does watch over us), or does he knows for
certain and reads this? Difficult to know.
If he reads what I am writing, I might
as well, just in case, let him know something that obviously he could not know
about all this. There is nothing to worry about me writing my thoughts down
here.
People think all the time and I
guess it is unfortunate for bosses to be unable yet to spy on our thoughts.
What I think at the moment I write it, and I usually forget all about it five
minutes later, and may even think something different not long after.
And despite everything I wrote that
could be considered like complaints or worries about this new job, I have to
say that what I have written in the past about my other jobs was much darker,
and then I was not very nice in my description of who they were and what they
were doing.
So at the moment everything here is
pretty positive, I know so, compared with my previous jobs. And so, there is no
need to worry about my babblings.
22 December 2005
Christmas? What Christmas? I’ll be
working!
Of course, my successful track
record at work could not last very long. I was called in the office after my
lunch break, and my boss really went into it. I had to go to the toilets
afterwards, and there and then I was convinced that coming to
This obsession of people to want
commitments on apartments, cars, jobs, etc., is the only reason I cannot go
back to
I was at work all week, I did work
on the other project I was assigned to, and as I understood it, the new one was
only until the director had finished reading my stuff and so we could continue
on that first project. Wrong! I was supposed to work overtime every night of
the week, to make sure that both projects went somewhere.
And of course, my director backstabbed
me again, saying that I had not spent that much time on our project, and I
should have had the chance to get the other one somewhere.
So the conversation was quite
horrid, in which my boss said that I had already been sick three days the
previous week, and this week it had been four days and I still had nothing to
show about that damn conference. And that was another $1000 for him down the
drain. I now understand that he appears to be counting how much it costs him by
the day, if not the hour.
I had to point out that my three
sick days at the very least did not cost him anything since I was not going to
be paid, as I was told by the woman in HR. He was under the impression that it
was another $1000 he lost on me. He did not like to be reminded.
So I proposed to work on that huge
research of his, which will take me forever, all over the Christmas holiday.
And he said yes, that I had to, as it was not acceptable for him to lose $1000
like that. So now, not only I will be spending Christmas alone, I will also be
working like crazy. And that is just the thing that makes it all not
worthwhile.
This is the decisive argument that
convinced me that this job is not for me, that I needed a way out as quickly as
possible. I am not going to mortgage my life for any company or for anyone.
If he asks me to work over
Christmas, then that’s it, it’s over. Simple. And I won’t regret letting them
down eventually when I will announce to them that I am leaving, despite all
that they supposedly did for me.
There are mind games, management
tricks, and there is crossing the line. He came back from wherever he was for
the last few days, and he called everyone in his office one by one to destroy
them psychologically one day before Christmas.
Everyone was in hyper drive today,
everyone was freaked out. My valley girl did not go to lunch, and she spent at
least 30 minutes with the Chinese girl in the kitchen repeating how unfair the
boss was. She spent the day calling over 100 companies and sending them e-mails
to boost them to act. And she was not happy about it.
This morning it was the sales guy,
he too got a bollocking by the boss and came out quite shaken, and also had to
speak with the valley girl to calm down. And there is the environmentalist guy,
who spent his day calling people, when I am pretty certain that, one day before
his holiday started, was the last thing he wanted to do. Even his comments over
the phone were telling that he called these people very reluctantly.
I could not tell anyone about my
nightmare, but they could tell by my sudden seriousness. I was not speaking
anymore, I left exactly at 5 pm on the dot, I did not say goodbye.
The cool Spanish guy tried to get
something out of me, he even wanted me to write it in French since he can
understand that language. I could not tell him anything, my boss is watching me
every second of the day, he can see me all the time. Speaking with colleagues
is just not allowed, or would be too obvious.
I’m afraid to admit, despite all
the jobs from hell that I ever had, these kinds of meetings are so difficult to
bear, and it throws you into such a state afterwards...
And though the direct consequence
is that I will be working the whole holiday, to be honest, the direct
consequence in my mind is that I’ll find my way out. It could have been instant
without that stupid rent I have to pay until March. And it destroys something
valuable in the mind of the employees, loyalty.
I cannot be loyal to someone who
holds a meeting to tell me that kind of thing. Because for me it is like
turning on a switch in my brain and it reaches a point of no return. It is
telling me basically that it was a mistake to hire me, and if this is so, let’s
just go our own ways. I don’t need that crap, I don’t need that job, I don’t
need you. If you don’t need me, then I won’t stay, why should I?
Of course for him it is just a
trick, or is it? When I said that he crossed the magic line, it means in my
mind that perhaps in my case it was going beyond the mind games. It was clearly
telling me that he was just paying me too much for what I was capable of doing
during normal office hours. He is result driven, yes, but results take time,
especially when you are juggling with three different projects at once.
This said, yes, I have wasted my
time this week. Not a lot, but a bit. I admit that. I was not motivated by the
sheer size of that research I need to do, which will require on my part
something like a full week of work, including overtime. I also cannot find any
information, I can only find bits and pieces here and there, and that is why
the size of the research has no boundary, it is infinite.
So I did deviate from my hard work,
I thought working on the previous project would save me. There is no such thing
as an excuse. I was caught, I was reprimanded quite harshly, now I need to work
over Christmas and I better bring him results soon.
The only results I could bring him now,
is by calling the industry, which means days of transcribing all that from
tapes to files. And of course, everyone else is on holiday, I cannot reach anyone
now, or even next week (I will be working four days between Christmas and the
New Year).
So I am already destined to fail, I
will not bring him any result before the New Year. I might as well give up,
since obviously this will not be a good excuse, since there is no valid excuse
for anything in that job.
I’d rather be dead than continue in
that job full time with overtime. I’d rather go back to
Though I have to say, at the end of
the meeting, he said something positive. He admitted, and something tells me that
it was difficult for him to do so, that the director had also admitted that he
was impressed with my work on the other project. Must have been difficult for the
director to tell my boss such a thing. But he did, and so there is hope for
him, he is not completely out to get me.
So there could be better days on
the horizon, days where I will not be called in the office for a bollocking.
However these better days can only last for as long as I work 80 hours a week.
This is something I am not prepared
to do, unless it was for something that I actually enjoy doing, like writing
film scripts. So we will have to part company very soon. And I will now
actively look for my way out. Obviously it means going back to
I just need the time to meet some
people here. Make some contact, people I can work with in films. I have not
done anything so far to meet anyone. This has to change. I need to work all the
holiday in trying to meet them. But how could I, now that I will have to work
on that massive research? I can’t!
I’m desperate, and this means that
I’m ready for desperate measures. Somehow I need to make this work. Somehow I
need to make this whole thing worthwhile. I cannot go back to
And if all I have to show at the
end of this, is that stupid blog, then it is not enough. It will be classified
as my worst failure ever, my missed opportunity of a lifetime. I could not live
with that.
Something has got to happen, and
somehow I need to be the instigator of these events. I can no longer wait until
it falls from the sky, there is a sense of urgency. I will have to take risks,
I will have to act, I will have to do something, anything, to make things
happen.
Which means, I’m afraid to say,
that we are the ones who make the life we have. There is no destiny all planned
out that we are following. We build our own destiny. And I sure will build mine.
That research of is will be on the
back burner over the Christmas holiday. I have some more pressing duties
awaiting me. And it starts tonight. And I don’t care what time I’ll go to bed,
I won’t sleep if necessary. Just like in the old days.
Maybe I became too comfortable as I
grew older in these jobs that I am not destined to do. It is easy to forget
that we have dreams to pursue and to actually spend the time pursuing them. Let
it be a lesson to me, I have been reminded that everyday counts, that every
hour of work is important and could lead somewhere.
There is no rest for the driven
people, sleeping or watching TV is just no acceptable, they have to work all
the possible hours of the day in trying to reach their goals. And I will reach
my goals, I have not gone that far to get comfy in a stupid conference job. I’m
so close to it all, it is now up to me to get somewhere real fast.
I still don’t have a car, I can’t
get the loan I have learned today. I still don’t have a TV and DVD recorder.
Who cares? I don’t need these things, those ties to this job I don’t want.
I’m finished spending my money or
committing myself to spending even more every month. I have goals, and I need
to reach them by any means at my disposal. I have been reminded, there is no
going back.
24 December 2005
Being depressed on Christmas day…
I feel great today! I just opened a
beer, I just finished watching (again) the story of that 33 year old spinster
(like me) called Bridget Jones (The Edge of Reason). And now I somehow feel
electrified.
I feel like one of those nights
when I would drink myself to death and write all night long. And often, writing
the best things I ever did. I’m not in the mood today to write, except this
blog, however…
Actually, the buzz of that film is
now over, and my second beer seems to be killing me instead.
Oh God I’m depressed… I need a lot
of Sherlock Holmes now with Jeremy Brett to get back to some sort of normality.
For one full minute there I thought
I would actually be happy on Christmas day, well Christmas Eve anyway. I am
alone today, so far, by choice. A friend wanted to see me, I don’t think so. I
don’t feel like it.
And my baby in
My baby is a hard worker, and every
one of his bosses in time learned to appreciate it. However there is a big turn
over of staff where he works and he never has the same boss for more than six
months. And every time he has to start all over again. They hate him at the
beginning and then he has to gain their trust by working hard.
This time he has a new Manager and
he just won’t see it. He is trying very hard to get my baby fired or to leave,
and unfortunately for him, upper management said no, that Stephen was the best
employee they ever had. The Manager is not happy about this and now he makes
the life of my baby a misery.
So I guess it is universal,
Corporate
I told Stephen of my episode at
work this week, and how, if I could have, I would have been back in
By then, if nothing happened on the
writing side, if I am still not working in films or at least met interesting
people, then I’m leaving. I also told him that the idea of him coming here to
work for that company, and his visa they are trying to get him, might be
something we should forget about.
I would not want both of us working
for a bastard. We are still going through getting the visa, it will take time,
but let’s say that now we are observing the events and we have made no
decision. So either he comes over here eventually or I’m going back. Three
months is the limit for us to be reunited.
All this cheered him up. He was
complaining that he was alone for Christmas, like me, and that many people
invited him over, but that he had lost the will to live and could not do
anything. So he is simply depressed while everything crumbles around him. I
almost cried, again.
I was reading today some stuff I
wrote while in my last job, how I was unhappy there and how I wrote reports
that were completely wrong, how I wanted a way out and that anything would have
done the trick. And then I realized that this blog is almost identical to the
book I wrote about it in French last year.
Do you want more proof that I am
stuck in a time loop and that I just cannot get out of it? Whether it is in
All I got out of this are a few
books that are just the most depressing things ever, and as a consequence
probably will never be published. So I’ve got nothing out of these nightmares.
Maybe there is just no meaning to all of this. I am starting to believe that I
do not have any destiny at all and there is no destination that I am trying to
reach at the end of the road.
I’m like on a small boat in the
middle of the ocean with rows, fighting to get somewhere when I should have
realized a long time ago that even with rows, I could never reach the shore. So
I am going over these huge waves for nothing, because in the end I will most
certainly die and all my efforts simply could never have helped me escape this
fate.
27 December 2005
A sign of genius lurking ahead…
I was not expecting both my bosses to
be at work today. I would have thought, after such a fright, that it was to
make sure we would work while they were not there between Christmas and the New
Year. They are dedicated, I’ll give them that.
I had a miserable Christmas because
of our conversation just before Christmas. When I walked out of the apartment,
finally, to see if I could buy a TV and a DVD recorder on Boxing Day, I could
barely breath because of the stress. I was worried because I still had not done
any research by then.
I bought a TV and a DVD Recorder
with a hard drive, and I felt so guilty for spending $500, I almost brought
them back to
Unfortunately, the damn machine,
which states that it can play every sort of DVD, cannot play any of the
thousand I brought with me from the
At the moment I can still watch
them on my computers, so it is not so bad. I did not think though that I would
still be watching my computer instead of the TV and DVD after spending so much
money… not sure when I will get around to using them, since I have no time to
myself.
So, last night at 9 pm I finally
decided to get on with the research for my conference. I worked 4 hours on it. And
I thought, dear me, my boss will again bite my head off. However he waited
until 5 pm today, the time I was supposed to leave, to ask me what was
happening with my research. Typical, so I left 30 minutes later than I was
supposed to, and I certainly would have left on time, as I can’t stand the
office at the moment.
When he asked me a feedback, I said
quite rudely: give me a minute. I regret now, but it had the advantage to set
the tone of the meeting. He was nice, I think he gathered that I was about to
explode at anything he might have said. Because I sincerely think he
exaggerated. And the first thing I told him was that I worked all over the
Christmas period. And sure enough, in my day of work and 4 hours yesterday, I
was able to bring him something quite tangible.
He is convinced I worked hard all
weekend. Thank god! I have been lucky, I tell you. It is almost a miracle. The
thing is, he never actually saw everything I had already done, he just assumed
I had not done anything. So it looked quite impressive today, when I gave him
my usual pile of sheets, 1000 at least.
And now he tells me we will not be
doing this conference. Someone told him that it would be a flop. Great! I can
stop doing that damn research. And get back to the previous project, or the one
before, or the new one he already told me everything about today in his office.
Something about semi-conductors,
and billions of dollars of investment needed from capital investors, and
private equity. He still explains all that bollocks to me as if I did not
understand anything. I did my research, I know a lot about it now, I understand
what he is talking about. Gosh, I even know what Shale Gas is, I learned that
today, so I would not look like a fool ever again before him.
So there is hope for me. With a
minimum of effort, I managed to convince him that I worked hard, and he thanked
me for it. So now he thinks he did not waste a thousand dollars on me last
week.
But I am train wrecked now, and I
feel very bad. A truck passed on the street, the whole building was shaking,
and that was it, I was frozen on my seat, completely freaked out. I don’t know
exactly what it is that I was expecting, something terrible I supposed. And
that would have been nice at any rate.
And my valley girl, lucky her, got
a temp today who was supposed to come back the next two days, but she assessed
that he did not know Excel and was not very good, so she called the agency and
told them to send another one tomorrow.
When she told him at the end of the
day, he was so gutted, he exploded in the office, unfortunately in front of my
boss’ wife. He said he knew Excel and that he was not happy. I was again frozen
on my seat, panicked at any sort of crisis going on around me. God, they turned
me into such a wimp.
If that had happened to me, if I
had freaked out a temp like she did, tonight I would be drinking beers to
forget all about it, because it would have shaken me a lot. For her, as she
stated many times afterwards, it was just another day in the office.
I know tonight she will be freaking
out about it, I know her, she’s like me. She just hides it very well. Something
I haven’t learnt to do just yet, and not sure if I will ever learn.
Oh well, just another day in the
office, I guess.
I’m very pleased with my cheap TV,
a Polaroid actually. I did not even know Polaroid decided to make TVs at some
point. The image is certainly terrible, TVs here have twice less pixels than in
They have just discovered HDTV,
supposed to finally correct that. The only problem is that the high definition
TV must cost a fortune, and only a few channels are HDTV, which I think I don’t
get here.
Whatever. Morrissey still looks
good on my Polaroid bad definition TV, go figure, that DVD works on my DVD
recorder. The first one in 10 that I have tried. Perhaps because originally
that DVD was an import from the
I feel guilty again, I should be
working on my conference. I am already too drunk, and I don’t care anymore. I
feel like writing. But of course, I feel like writing something inspired, not
that blog.
However I would have needed to
start a new book in order to write something inspired tonight. Perhaps I should
start writing a new fictional book tonight.
Oh dear, now the big questions.
What book? Which style? What about? In French or in English? That is not a bad
idea, perhaps I should start writing a new book tonight. You know, this is how
it always starts. One night you are inspired, and that’s it, you write a few
pages, and you continue day after day. I really should. What about then? What
style? Which language? Can I answer these questions and start it?
It would have to be completely
wild. Out of this world. Something new that has never been done before. And I
am very good at doing just that, and all those books are not the ones published
right now. But who cares?
I should only write for myself,
especially from now on. Inspired literature cannot be ordered, it does not work
like that. It comes from the heart, from deep down, on a subconscious level. And
listening to The Smiths tonight certainly helps a great deal. I might just
start a new book tonight.
If my life was empty, and if I was still
living in
I will have to think something much
better, much higher. Esoteric then, mystic. Out of this world. Cos there’s
nothing real or worth it outside of
I just opened my seventh beer, I’m
ready to listen to Duran Duran now, The Chauffeur. I better start writing
before I lose all inspiration and fall asleep.
Not another one of those
complicated books that no one understands? I hear my fans say. True, none of my
fans appear to have appreciated my most obscure books. I guess I never met the
right fans. The right ones would probably never contact me in the first place,
I guess. They just get inspired and create on their own, in their corner.
And I know I have inspired great
people, the greatest in the French world, both in literature and films. I have
all the proof I need and I can prove it. They don’t hide their inspiration very
well. Perhaps they never intended to. They ignore my messages all the same,
probably from fears of being sued, stupid of them… I feel so honored, I would
never sue in a million years.
It’s not that I feel like being
pretentious tonight, not here, not now. Here I am honest with myself. I did
inspire great people, and it makes me feel good inside, you know. That I could
have reached out so much, even underground, on an individual basis.
It is one good thing, for having
sacrificed everything for my literature, that everyone around me thought was
the biggest waste of time ever. I even agree with them, I just could not help
it. I have to write, not for a living, but to survive. To also understand
myself, but mostly to survive.
It is my most basic need, to write.
I can go without eating or drinking for days, as long as I can write. I can be
in prison and suffer the worst fate, as long as I can write, I will be all
right.
And this statement alone, does not
make any sense, I know. And perhaps alcohol and cigarettes would be a plus, and
music, in my venture. But I can do without.
If I was given carte blanche to do
my own indie films, my god, it would be weird. It would be incomprehensible.
But I think it would be art. And we all know that art can only exist as long as
it is independent. And that’s ok, I’ll be independent soon enough, as soon as I
succeed in the mainstream. If ever I succeed in the mainstream, that’s the problem.
I am already very much underground,
I’m afraid to say, to admit. I’m like The Smiths and Depeche Mode, and yet,
they do reach out and have the most loyal fans ever, who makes it all worthwhile.
I may have reached that point myself, with my pseudo-fans. I’m just not sure.
And I just don’t care to be honest.
Fans are not on my mind when I
write. How quickly we forget that they do exist and have needs and demands. I’m
ignoring them completely. Otherwise, I could not do anything, or I would write
something completely against my nature.
You are supposed to write what you
can, what you are supposed to write. You cannot let yourself being dictated by
a fan, a publisher or a producer. You do what you feel is right, and that’s it.
Never mind if it means the end of your career or those relationships.
That is how I can only see my art.
And I tell you, I never referred to it as art until tonight. I see it more as
my own existential crisis, my answer to life and this universe we cannot
understand. Philosophy perhaps, something beyond all that crap, anyway.
I don’t mind sacrificing
everything, even my existence. That is what I have been good at, all my life.
Sacrificing everything for a land which appeared greener. And never mind that
no land has ever been greener, I still got all my inspiration from it.
I am still writing, I am still
producing something, creating. That is a result. I cannot deny it, hell brings
inspiration. Happiness might just shut me up. Though I’m not sure, I never
found happiness. Not sure if it is possible to find happiness.
The pursuit of happiness, good
title… maybe I’m ready to write that new book after all. Other nice title: Something
impossible, like finding happiness. But what if I were to say instead: I have finally
found happiness? And write accordingly? I would lie, but maybe it would be a
good start. God knows.
I’m brain dead, that’s what I have
been, since I have arrived in
Maybe if I were to find a rich and
old boyfriend, ready to accept me in his home with one command only: write all
day long! Then maybe I would get somewhere. At the moment I am just completely
out of it.
It is not in
Maybe writing is not that
important. Living is. How I wish I could at least live in
God, am I already ready to move on?
Have I learned everything I was supposed to learn here? I don’t feel like I
have lived or learned anything. Then again, it is maybe afterwards, in my
literature, that it will all come out. And yes, you don’t know everything that
has happened to me since I am in
Apparently this year the time
worldwide will change by one second. We will gain one second. A woman
newsreader in
I thought I was the only one
drinking in
So, your woman newsreader invited
us all to do so. So I guess, this is exactly what I will do next weekend. On
that extra second we will gain, I’ll be drinking myself to death. And maybe
write one more word to this blog. Which word should it be? Sex? Good idea.
Perfect word. Maybe I’ll have sex then on that extra second we will gain on the
New Year. I doubt it, but it would be nice.
And now you know, by how down the
drain this blog has gone, that I have drank ten beers tonight. Sorry, I’ve been
in
I have lost weight since I am here.
I did not want to, it just happened. Stress, hell, feeling of being lost,
whatever. Eating is the last thing on mind at the moment. And I look much
better for it, so I can’t complain.
It seems that I am determined to
meet another mister right, here in
Especially at the turning of my
33rd year. I am getting old… one step closer to death. Realizing that we are
mortal, is, I think, a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, I don’t have any disease
that will speed up the process, and I am not willing to get one either. So
again, death will have to fall from the sky. Cheer up, I might get run over by
a car tomorrow morning on my way to work.
Merde, I should have worked on my
conference tonight. Tomorrow I will pay the price. I am a prisoner of that job.
I should try to find a way out, and still remain in
That would be the first step to my
freedom. And it is ultimately what I am looking for. The freedom to write all
day, whatever I want and feel like writing. That day will never come. Being in
There is no solution to my problem.
Maybe if I stop eating all together for another few weeks, I will be good looking
enough to attract a sugar daddy. I had many of them turning around me when I
was younger, and I was too stupid then to accept their offers. I know better
now… where is my sugar daddy? I’m ready!!! And beware, I’ll be wild in bed,
because I’m so desperate anyway, that I could sleep with a dog.
I am listening right now to the
song How soon is now, by The Smiths. And the video. There was never a better
song written on this planet, and a better video to go with it. It is killing me
that someone was able to reach what I consider to be perfection.
And what I still don’t understand
is that none of the songs or the videos from that particular album where the
song came from, sound or look like that song and video.
It is a fluke. Out of working hard,
out of genius, suddenly something divine came out, something that no one ever
will be able to top. Not even Depeche Mode was able to reach that point, I
guess they were just not depressed enough.
I wish I had lived such a moment of
genius in my life, that in three minutes I could make you listen and see
something so perfect, that it would live and survive forever as perfection. God
I wish I was capable of doing just that. I could die happily after that, all
would be accomplished.
When I listen to How soon is now, I
forget everything. I live somewhere, beyond my daily job, and my miserable
existence. I reach some sort of new world where I am beyond all that.
It is the ultimate song and the
ultimate video. Now, how could I ever write the ultimate book? Tell me? Or the
ultimate short story, lasting three minutes, where I could have the same impact
worldwide on everyone? It is just not possible.
I am wasting my time in the wrong
medium. I don’t need to write books, I need to write songs! I need to learn
music, I need time, I need to achieve that perfection! I am wasting my time. It
is frustrating, it is killing me.
Somehow, I should be able to reach
the same result through my books. I have to, that is all I have to make any
sort of impact. And I think I have reached that point before, in my unpublished
books, but I guess it had no impact whatsoever.
So I have to do it again, and this
time, revolutionize literature in the process. Which means going beyond
everything I have written so far, being even more extreme.
I have been so extreme, I don’t
think I could go any further. I also think that I am beyond that now. So I
guess I will have to live in the hope that one day some people will get back to
these extreme books that I wrote, and see them for what they are.
And they are all my earlier work,
my first books ever. After that I got lost, I tried to write to be published,
and I was. What a mistake that was. I hope I have learned my lesson, and that
from now on I will write what my heart tells me to write.
My best work must be ahead of me,
I’m sure of it. Just give me the chance, and I will lay that perfect egg, the
one which has been dying to get out for years, but never had the chance.
And it better come soon, before I
shoot myself, because life is pretty depressing at the moment, and I just don’t
know what to do to cling to it. I need another salvation, another savior, or
anything, to save me from this hell… that conference job, those people.
Oh dear… is there a way out? I
sincerely hope so.
30 December 2005
Dreaming or
I was so tired tonight, I went to bed
as soon as I arrived from work. I woke up at
My baby went to
This is where I started in
I cherish these old days when I did
not have to worry about anything, and could barely survive. Strange enough, I
am still at the same point financially, I can barely survive. So money does not
change anything.
These little villages by the sea
side, filled with little cottages with roofs made of straw, and a few shops
somewhere in the middle, with all the country side all around of a beauty to
help poets no end, this is all true. It does exist. And it becomes normal to
you until you move back to
I have met a very nice shop owner
there, of a bookstore called the Worm Hole, and it was magical. It inspired me
a film script, and gosh I would die to film that there. It is also one of the
most haunted town in
And the most interesting one is at
the heart of my film. A story about a little girl who lost the keys to the
city, of the main door of the town. Her dad lost his job as the main guardian,
and now her ghost goes around searching for those keys that she will never
find.
When you add to this that this is
the town that gave its name to New York, and just about all the York towns
there are around the world, you get a sense of the power and energy that could
emanate from this small place in the north of England.
Today I was outside at work,
looking at the huge mountain in the background, and the palm trees all over in
front of it. I was going through some sort of dilemma, would I like to be going
to
I just got into my Renault 5 and
left for
Would I like to go there again? Or
do I prefer now, after ten years, to experience something new, something
equally huge psychologically, like
The real question I asked myself
today, is that I would miss
We don’t live very long, not sure
how many more decades I have in front of me, and if I will be able to still
make huge life decisions like going back to
I cannot limit myself to one place,
I still have to experience adventure, leave just like I did, get to know new
people and new places. Live in my memories for the rest, for my nostalgia.
I don’t miss
I feel more British than
French-Canadian. And anyway, who’s interested in a French-Canadian in
I am more British than
French-Canadian, even with my thick French accent which would not fool anyone. When
I leave
I would hope to be in
I have to give it a chance.
Especially if one day I work full time in films, I will then have to be here a
lot, it is a place I will be connected to one way or another. And this is what
I am building here, the relationships that will connect me to
Most successful British now live in
And just as French-Canadian are
popular in
A major reform of the U.N. would be
necessary first, and a change of mandate. It should be stronger at the very
least and its measures more far reaching. And then, the U.N. could become
another danger to our civilization, so you can never have it both ways.
I am more philosophical tonight
that I thought I would be. It is the end of the year after all. Time to reflect
on the past year, to assess where I am, where the world is, and what is to come
and if it is worth continuing on the same path.
I lack too much data to even think
about assessing my own situation, let alone the one of the world. The truth is,
I don’t know what is going to happen next in my life, and I don’t know where
this world of ours is going.
I’d like to think that it is not
annihilation as my friend in
So there must be some sort of
future for me too, even if I cannot imagine any of it. At least it is not at
the past that I am looking, I have assumed my decisions, I have accepted my new
life, and now I am sitting here hoping for the best, for the future.
This is exactly where
What is that big destiny we are
living? Where is it that we are going? What is the future has in store for us?
Will we be happier or more miserable? Will we be hit again by terrorists or
Corporate America, can we make anyone happy by our actions, or can only
alienate everyone crossing our path?
Will
Almost, since we never know what to
expect of the future. Nothing is carved in stone, especially our rights and
liberties which have been rewritten recently. And these new terror laws are
about to become permanent. And I have heard no one scream about this. I tried
to scream, of course, I was not heard. We will just have to live with it, I
guess.
We might as well have an actor from
At the moment I am more worried
about the fact that it is 3 am, that I am on my third beer, and that I still
have one day to go before the long weekend. I’m just hoping to be able to
survive it without another call in the office to let me know how incompetent I
am in my new job.
I was again given two projects to
do at the same time, and of course, not enough time to do any of them. So I
have done one, and I tell you, I had to be highly creative to get results in
less then four hours, when I was given half an hour, and it would have taken me
three days normally.
And tomorrow somehow I need to
accomplish another miracle. I need to get in contact with the Governor of
Alaska, no less, one day before the New Year. I wish to discuss gas pipelines
please, dear me. I might just as well try to contact an alien species somewhere
in the Delta quadrant, and ask them about weird rock formations on some lost
planet. I could do that easy in a script.
In the sixty channels I have
between my TV and my DVD Recorder, somehow my TV got stuck on the channel
C-Span2 for the last few days. No wonder my brain is no longer working
properly. Yesterday a woman told the whole of
They have a senate in this country?
Is more likely the question I would be asking if I were to call C-Span2. No, I
haven’t learned how the political American system works, well I did, but I had
the time to forget in time you see.
Ignorance is a privilege these
days, and the more ignorant I can remain, the better I feel. Filling my head
with all that crap, brings me to the brink of insanity. Because so many people
are just insane in
Maybe this kind of madness happens
when your country has 300 million people, you will always find a few to support
any crazy idea, and a few rich ones willing to spend millions and stake their
life on it. I guess I am more idealistic than I would like to admit.
Should I get more local then? We
have a powerful mayor in the Valley, who from what I have read so far, seems to
approach despotism. He is definitely on some sort of power trip that went to
his head, even though all I have read so far is on the front page of the
newspaper of the valley.
I read it when I eat my toasted egg
sandwich in the morning. I don’t know, maybe he is cleaning up the corruption
around here, though this is not the impression I got.
The impression I got was that he
has the newspaper on his side and if he farts, they report it on the first page
the next day. Now, that cannot be healthy, surely… to control the media like
that. I would imagine he does most of his politics in the newspaper office. That
says it all. One step closer to propaganda.
I did not want to become political,
especially that I am so ignorant about it (thank god!). So let’s talk about
something else. Music. On my SD card right now I have some Depeche Mode,
Gorillaz, Charlatans UK, Goldfrapp, Sinead O’Connor (no wonder I feel all
screwed up) and some Suzanne Vega.
I’m afraid, once it is on my SD
card in my phone, that is all I listen to for weeks and months. Because it
takes me forever to decide to change the MP3s on my player. Suzanne Vega is the
only artist I have seen in concert more than once, apart from Depeche Mode. I
saw her in
It is so special when someone so
big comes to such a remote place as my region in the North of Canada. I loved
every second of it, I felt in love right there with her. She is also a proof
that somehow both my region and
I have to try hard to remember
anything that happened to me whilst I was living in the North of Québec, it is
like another lifetime to me, a past life. I can barely remember anything after
It is like I would love to forget
where I come from, as if it had never existed. However this is difficult, since
all my family still live there. I am being brought back there all the time,
even if I did not show up once in the last 5 years, and on my last visit, it
had been five years since I put my foot there.
I hate it. I hate
Would it not be better to say that
I was born in the
Being a French-Canadian, you cannot
exist outside of Québec. You can have some success in
I want to be from everywhere, I
want to live everywhere, I want to speak for the whole world, I want to be
universal. It is just as well that so far I had more success everywhere else in
the world than in Québec, who still don’t know who I am. I could not bare it
anyway, I hate small minded people. And they certainly are.
I was born with the idea that I
could never achieve anything in life. That I would be lucky to even get heard
in
I am glad I skipped that step
altogether and was recognized in
I am from my time. I could have
been born in the
And yet, after all is done, it is
probably the only place on the planet where they will not forget me, my books,
my life. Because I belong there, I belong to them. There is no denying it. At
least they are proud of their peers succeeding outside of the province, the
country. It makes them dream that they could too reach out like this.
If ever all I have written in my
life will help me survive, as some sort of pension, it will be because all the
students in Québec will have to buy my books every year to read them and
analyze them. I cannot say I don’t like this idea. It would be consecration. As
I’m sure, this would never happened in
And that is the problem. Limits.
Hard for someone to create anything, and for it to go beyond the borders of
where he was born. Why is this so? I was born with the idea that I could never
reach out to the world, that no one would ever read me outside of my province.
So little authors made it to
I’m afraid to admit, once again, it
does mean something to me. I’m dying to be recognized in Québec. They are 8
million of them after all, almost as big as
It has not happened yet, but I know
it will one day. It should, though it might never happened. Maybe I am the odd
one, who will never be recognized in his own land. And just about every article
about me so far in my home land has been about that, that no one is a prophet
in his own country, or something like that anyway.
They do know me though, a lot have
heard of me. I am known there, I know that. But it is not enough. Again, I am
ambitious, I need to conquer places, I need to be heard without any doubt. I
want to become the most important author that ever lived in Québec. That is
secretly what I want, and now openly, since I am drunk enough to say so in my
blog. Then again, this is in English, none of them will read this, so I feel
safe talking like this here.
And the thing is, I have written
enough already that I could become that now, or in time, without writing
another word. It is great when at 33 you feel like you have done everything,
written anything that you feel needed to be written. That whatever else you
might do would be just a waste of time and unnecessary.
You can also decide that all that
was a waste of time and that everything great and wonderful, your best work, is
still ahead of you. It gives you a second chance at life, the hope to get
somewhere, a drive to start that great destiny. And I chose that view. That
everything great was ahead of me, not in the past.
So I have a lot of work to do. I
don’t even know where to start. I need to break up with my past, with
everything I have done so far. It is not a continuation, it is starting from
nothing. I am in
Meeting the right people might
change all that. Let’s keep the hope, let’s keep dreaming, let’s see what will
happen next. Let’s just go over the end of this year, and start anew.
The New Year should be my most
promising year ever, and sure enough, every year in the last ten years has been
better than the previous one. And I am at the right place, at the right time,
to make that New Year my best ever.
I will get somewhere.
10 January 2006
I feel sick today, I do not feel
very motivated. I am also tired. I worked hard on that film script, but now
really in the last two days. I think I am just permanently tired and I don't
know what to do to get out of my lethargy. Sleep I guess, a luxury I have not
known for the past 33 years.
I am also, and I don't care if he
is reading this right now, I am also exceedingly tired of feeling observed and
watched and spied upon by the Black guy at work. I am tired that when I go
downstairs to buy a sandwich, he comes out of the lift. That every times I am
not working or that I am talking, here he goes in the background. That every
time I go to the kitchen, he comes in the kitchen too. For god's sake!
Just leave me alone! And when I am
late, that's it, he is just to not be sitting on my chair to find out at the
time I will be arriving. And you just know that all these he records somewhere
and reports back to my bosses. I am the only one who is paranoid about him,
since no one else were told by Isabella (the San Salvadorian girl), that the
Black guy was watching over us. So as soon as the bosses disappear, everyone
starts talking to each other, even if the Black guy is there. He must be
reporting a lot of misbehavior then... my valley girl is certainly an expert at
going around the office and gossiping for hours.
My boss' wife is going back to
12 January 2006
Desperate for a way out… of
conferences
It is fitting that just at the end
of last year, a few days ago, I was saying that this New Year would be my best
ever. I was of course talking about my potential success in
What has been on my mind is that I
am ready. I am ready to start my own business. And funny enough, it is that I
have worked in
It is perfect, this is what I need
to free myself from any obligations at any time. And in time I will be able to
hire someone to do what I am supposed to do in that conference business, and if
it becomes necessary for me to work on a film script for a month, it should not
be a problem.
It is also after researching a
whole conference about venture capital and private equity at work, that I
realized that many people out there have more money than they know what to do
with it, and are dying to invest in just about any crazy idea out there. And
the beauty of it is, that to start a company, you don’t need any money. You
just need a good idea and a good business plan.
So I have downloaded the perfect
application to help me do just that, and it has been brewing in my mind for
quite a while now, even if it has only been a few days. The fact that I have to
start working on my first conference at work, and that I would do anything not to
start working on that conference, has fueled me into working on my own business
plan.
Of course, I think I am as
intelligent as my bosses, so why should I be a slave to them, when they made
something like a million dollar last year, when I can do the same and have my
own slaves?
Obviously I am not taken the easy
route. I won’t be doing business or corporate conferences, which would ensure a
lot of revenue. I am heading towards the mass market, the paranormal, the new
age stuff, psychics and theoretical physics. I could seriously fail in my
venture. But being my own boss of a company I care nothing about is not my idea
of fun.
I have to contribute to something I
believe in, that motivates me. I don’t want to fall asleep in the conference
rooms of my own events. I want to be passionate about what it is all about. This
has nothing to do with making money, it is about having the freedom I want and
make enough to survive whilst still doing what I want to do in life.
I will not be able to charge $3,000
per delegate, like most companies I worked for. And many times, we barely broke
even and get back our investment. I will need to charge as little as possible,
and still manage to make a profit. I feel that I might then get more people
than just the magic 100 delegates we have always been reaching for, to cover
our cost. I will need at least 200 delegates to get back my money, but then I
am counting on exhibitors and sponsors to make a profit.
I need to start slowly, only Stephen
and I will work on this at the beginning so it does not cost me $60,000 per
conference. And eventually, as we get more money, I will hire telesales and
sponsorship people. I can take care of everything else with Stephen.
And this means that this business
will be based in
I will need a good marketing
budget, £12,000 at least per event. I am even considering not printing anything
and not posting any flyers. I wonder if everything can be done electronically,
and advertisement with associations’ members and magazines.
To be safe, I need a budget of £40,000
per conference, and I need enough money to do three conferences in the first
year. All sensibly related to the same subject, so I don’t have to triple my
costs in all areas. Working on one event will be like working on all three at
the same time.
One conference, the big one, will
take place in
I am so excited about all this, I
can barely wait to write the conference programs. And this is a first for me,
because in the last ten years, I always did everything else but write my
conference agenda. And the thing is, it would have made my life so much easier
to forget everything else and concentrate on the program from the start. Human
nature, I hate writing conference programs on subjects I care nothing about,
when the profit goes to someone else.
So I need £200,000 to start my
business. And within a year I need to have gotten back that money with my three
conferences. Seems unrealistic, I will have to cut corners. If I don’t provide
food, and I should not be expected to do so when charging so little to attend,
I might get away with costs of £30,000 per conference.
I could do it all for £120,000, the
extra £30,000 would be to pay the rent, cars, our own food and bills. But I
want to be on the safe side, so I will need £200,000 just in case. And keep the
extra money for the fourth event.
Once again my blog (and writing my
books) helps me to figure out important stuff. Sounds like a plan. And now I am
dying to write that business plan and go back to
It would be reassuring to know that
I can count on my credit rate in the
Even Stephen at the beginning will
not even leave his job, I will be all alone to work on this. I feel that
somehow I will make it come true and make a nice profit. That’s the difference
between being a slave, or your own boss with the need to survive.
I will tell the bank that I need
three years to make my first profit, so it will give me some time to get this
company somewhere without too much stress. It is well known that it is in the
second and third year running for any event to become huge. And that is what I
plan to build in time. The most important conferences on any of the subjects
that I will take on.
And I don’t care about competition,
I have produced too many conferences in my lifetime which had sensibly the same
program and speakers than a dozen other conferences in the same town, and yet,
we made a good profit. Perhaps we did not have the same delegates, but we
certainly had the same sponsors and exhibitors, and those want as many
conferences on the subjects they are interested in as can be.
So, in retrospect, my ten years
working in conferences might not be wasted after all. I am 33 years old, still
quite young. It is very much worth diving into the unknown of having my own
business. I could be working another 37 years for others if I don’t do
something and if I have to retire at 70, as it seems very likely now. And if my
great topics for conferences don’t work very well, I can change instantly to
better and more profitable areas, even if I dislike the topics, and then I will
insure my future.
The only thing that could stop me
now, is the film script I am working on. If somehow that gets sold, it would
certainly change my life and I can forget about conferences forever. I am in
And I already have the name of my
future company: The Marginal Conferences. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you
think? And I will film the conferences and publish books about what will be
said at the events. So the ultimate name will be The Marginal Productions, and
there will be The Marginal Films and The Marginal Publishing. And eventually,
perhaps, who knows, The Marginal Grocery Store and the Marginal Bank, but these
will be non-profit organizations to help the planet. One can dream!
If I was a bit more adventurous, my
company would be called The Crowned Anarchist Productions Company, and The
Crowned Anarchist Conferences. But somehow too many squeamish people would be
stopped by that. So I can’t afford it for my business. Oh well, who cares
anyway? It might never see the light of day.
21 January 2006
Going back to work on Monday, makes
you wish for an earthquake
Now I think I am going to bed. I’m
going to try to forget this day. And tomorrow I won’t do anything, so perhaps
the day will seem long, and going back to work on Monday will not come so fast.
Another week there might be just what I need to tip me over the edge. When the
valley girl will open her mouth to shout with her nasal voice, as she always
does, I will have to contain myself to prevent me from hitting her in the face.
Because I am reaching my limit of annoyance.
The same with the Chinese girl who
has the most annoying and loud voice, while thinking the world of herself, and
being so condescending about everyone else. She needs to get back on earth. I
don’t know what she has to prove, what she has gone through in her life to
reach that point, but she seems blind to the fact that she has turned into a
monster and I just can’t bear it anymore.
I will also have to work with the
Senior Conference Producer, who is becoming more patronizing by the day with
me, when I have as much experience as him, and my conference programs have
always looked ten times more elaborate than his, and I worked on them alone.
And yet I am helping him to produce
that crap event. And not only that, he also has another Chinese girl working
for him on this. What the heck has he done on that conference apart from
writing two miserable and meaningless pages that I can’t even understand? It
makes no sense, and yet it will bring a hundred delegates because… whatever,
the subject is of interest to the people who will attend. Even if they will
have to go to
Right, I will need at least one
full day to prepare myself mentally to go back there for a whole week. Makes
you wish that an earthquake, a hurricane or even bird flu will hit
22 January 2006
Could my baby have met someone else
in
Funny, I woke up today and I tried
to reach Stephen. Yesterday he was not there, and today it seems that he is
somewhere else again. I was wondering if what I thought would never happen,
could have actually happened. Could he have met someone in
It would only be fair, considering
what I did in
For the last two days he has not
been home, and he had a few gay people buzzing around him at work, even though
he would never say anymore than that to me. Is it possible that he found
someone else? He might have gone to these gay bars, talk with a few people, god
knows, it is certainly possible.
Well, good luck for the guy who
will end up with him: heroine addiction, crazy behaviors, virtually no sex for
weeks if not months without first begging, suffering someone with a verbal
diarrhea problem, with more debts than
At the same time, I have to admit,
that if he was to tell me that he has met someone, it would in a way force the
issue. It would liberate me from the return to
You will note that I am no longer
in crisis this morning, I keep a great memory of my little trip of yesterday
around town, I’m back to normal. Even if I am still a bit freaked out and that
I am not certain what I will do today.
I slept 12 hours. Again I had those
weird dreams about my father and my sister. It’s been three days in a row now,
never mind the phone bill, I think I will call them both today, something might
be going on over there in the North of Canada, and of course if I don’t call,
I’ll be the last one to know in six months time when they decide to call.
23 January 2006
I can be sacked at one minute’s
notice
George is finally gone, just like
that. He is supposed to come back to help a bit with sales, but he is no longer
working here. I have to say, it is one thing to have contracts that can be
terminated at one minute’s notice, it is another to leave someone in the hole
like that, especially when they have a family and children.
This impossibility to plan your
life ahead at least one month in advance, is quite disturbing. Moreover that
the guy has been working here for at least 6 years. Unbelievable that after all
that, he had no security whatsoever, because apparently he was working on a
contract basis.
Well, I have to say that I don't
find that very inspiring and I should be prepared any day to be told that I
have been sacked. And at that point I am not certain what I will be able to do
to pay my apartment and plane ticket, I would just hope that it would come at a
time right after I get paid or close to being paid. I have absolutely no
motivation today after what I just heard. I feel I will be sacked as well any
day now.
However I think that in his case
there was more than what we have been told, obviously. I won't be the one to
hear about the gossip, that's for sure. I guess the bosses did not know after
all that he was developing his business plan for the last two years about that
pyramidal scheme of insurance selling. I guess they did not see clearly through
his game, they would have realized that he would never have made it in that
scheme. Never made any money and probably would never have made the jump.
According to my valley girl, this
had nothing to do with him being laid off. And apparently he will get
unemployment insurance. And apparently any employer can sack any of their
employees at 5 minutes notice without giving real good explanation or
justifying it. The employees can do the same.
So I guess that if as an employer
you prefer to make sure you can get rid of your employees fast, and don't
really care if you lose any of your best employees fast as well, than
In those countries, employers often
have a damn hard time getting rid of people they don't want or who are useless.
And that is why they play this hard game with the personal department where
they eventually find a way to make your life so impossible, that you will
either leave or they will eventually be able to get rid of you on a stupidity
or something.
In a way the American system, even
if it leaves you in the shit and does not give you the time to find another
job, it certainly spare you the psychological nightmare of going through the
long process of being sacked via 3 warnings and multiple hard meetings, etc.
And finally,
I think it is interesting from the
point of view of history to have at least one country that has pushed the idea
of capitalism to its limits, and I would not have seen this for myself if I had
not come here in the first place. Let's see where all of this will lead them
to. Who knows who is right in the end?
Phew, now I can I speak. Before I
was at work, so I had to sound nice just in case the Black guy could read. I am
so disgusted that he was sacked like that, such a nice guy. I hope he was ready
for his new job in that pyramidal thing, even if it is temporary. Hopefully he
will make some money there. If he is that successful, perhaps they will give
him great potential contracts. Of course, this is if they still believe in his
potential, considering that he was sacked.
Bof, I don’t feel like talking
anymore. Stephen just called. I was worried for no reason this weekend. He
still loves me very much and he is still faithful. And I believe him, at least
that’s one person who does not lie to me, so I hope. One person I can actually
trust for a change.
Who should have been sacked, it is
those two girls, the valley girl and the Chinese one. Who have cost the jobs of
so many before through their own incompetence. They successfully blamed their
inadequacy on the ones under them. I had quite a conversation with Isabella
about them today, she can’t stand them. They sound nice, but they stab her all
the time, especially the valley girl.
There is always a bitch in any
conference office that will always keep track of everyone’s movement, and will
love to make a big deal of if you disappear for five minutes when you were not
supposed to. The valley girl is like that. If you go to lunch for too long, she
will find a reason to be looking for you and will go and ask everyone in the
company where you are and why you are not at your desk, and that you were gone
for two hours, etc. I have met them all my life, there is always one like that.
And of course, when they are late, no problems, no one is there to do the same
to them.
And my valley girl is always late
at the moment, she seems to have problems getting to work. And every time,
being so perfect, she calls the office to let them know she will be one hour
late. And every time we receive an email saying she will be late. I must have
30 of them by now, so she should worry about her own schedule instead of trying
to denounce everyone else for the little freedom they try to take back from the
company.
I did not have to tell Isabella
that I found their voice annoying, that’s the first thing she said. And she
even does a great imitation of the valley girl. Isabella did say that the
valley girl could be helpful at times, and very nice, and this is also true, I
have to admit. She just appears to be incapable of thinking before she speaks,
it comes out naturally automatically, and sometimes she can be very rude or
insulting. I’m glad I’m not under her, I would have been sacked by now.
One more thing, the lost of our
salesman had a horrific effect on all of us. We have all been promoted to
salesmen as well. Now I will have to sell sponsorship deals and exhibitor’s
space. Something I am certainly not enjoying. Cold calling, asking for money,
being hung up on the phone. Not counting how long that will take, considering
what we already have to do to finish these conferences in no time.
The one positive thing about this
is that I will finally learn the only thing I had not learned in my 10 years in
conferences. Sales of SPEX. After that I would guess that I will not be afraid
to pick up the phone and ask for money. I might learn a thing or two that will
be useful for my future company.
And obviously, all that news today
made me want to go home and work on my own business. The only thing that
stopped me is Stephen, saying that neither of us will be able to get the money
to start that business. Me because of my so-called bankruptcy, and him because,
if he puts the apartment for collateral, his parents will never forgive him and
will disinherit him. Not counting that his mother had enough of me, and would
probably hope by now that I will remain here and Stephen in
I have been there before, my first
boyfriend and his mother, freaking out when I left for
What Stephen’s mother does not
know, is that if our relationship ends, Stephen will die of an overdose. And without
me in his life for the past 11 years, he would certainly be dead by now. I
should have told her that before I left. As it stands, I was hiding in the
toilets when she last visited, I could not confront her. I wanted to say
goodbye, but she left too quickly. And Stephen was not pleased about that.
I will still do my business plan,
you never know.
29 January 2006 (2)
One cousin in prison, the other in
hospital
My mom just called, my cousin is in
prison and my other cousin is in hospital, she almost died. One of the other
passengers who were in the car accident has many broken things, and the other
one, as my cousin who is now in prison, have nothing.
Apparently there was ice on the
road. It is so common these car accidents in my region in the North of Québec,
it is amazing that we are still all alive today. I myself had quite an accident
once, and I thought I was going to die.
What is less usual, well not
exactly, but my cousin was three or four times over the alcohol limit, and
everyone else in the car were also completely drunk and were only 15 years old.
I then called my sister, who will
have her new baby in less than 11 days. She was so hyperactive, in the end she
hung up the phone on me, despite the fact that I was quite laid back. I could
not believe it. I then called my father, but he was not there. I spoke with his
wife, and she said that with pregnant women, it was normal to be freaked out
for no reason. She said to call my sister one week after she had her baby to
congratulate her, and everything will be forgotten.
Perhaps, but I call my sister once
every six months, if she is lucky. I must have called her less than 10 times in
the last 15 years. I can assure you that it will be a very long time before I
call her again. Even if we love each other very much and are usually very
close.
All of this was quite a shock, but
I am watching Ship in a Bottle now, Star Trek the Next Generation, the episode
about Sherlock Holmes and James Moriarty. I thought how great an actor Daniel
Davis is, and how perfect he would be in the film script I am working on. And
then I did a little bit of research and realized that he was in the TV series The
Nanny. I wonder if he could still be the right actor now, if he is going to be
recognized as that butler. I would certainly hire him if I could, and if this
film is ever made.
So sad that my cousin is in prison
now, and the other one is dying in the hospital. My mom was saying that a lot
can happen in one day, even in one hour. She is certainly right there. And yet,
nothing has happened in my life in the last three months. It is just as well,
the only big life changing events that happen overnight, are usually the most
destructive ones. The productive events in your life seem to take months if not
years to come to any conclusion.
30 January 2006 (2)
The Cool Spanish Guy I am working
with, a Metrosexual?
And after all this, which was just
an appetizer, let me talk about that little Hispanic guy at work. The cool
Spanish guy, as described before. I think I have been flirting a bit too much
with him, only because he let it happen. So how straight is he then? Today I
had to fight Isabella twice, she was suggesting out loud that I was interested
in him. I had to hit her a bit and call her some names out loud. Hopefully she
will calm down.
Well, at least now the cool Spanish
guy knows I am interested. It is most probably a tired long running joke in my
back at work that I fancy him. I even think that the Director is involved, as
at one point some days ago he said that he needed some sunlight, and he went to
the Spanish guy and acted weird. As if the Spanish guy was some sort of
illumination or positive force. And somehow, I feel this is all down to the
fact that I feel it could be that way, and everyone knows.
I certainly like to look at him, he
is the only thing that makes this whole job bearable. He usually wears sandals,
he has big feet, and a nice face. He seems so pure and innocent, and childish,
despite his 28 years. As I said before, there is nothing threatening in his
eyes, he is totally genuine. And intelligent and quick. He comes to me to
correct his English, can you believe, when his English must be twice better
than mine.
I can just imagine what it would be
like to be in his arms for one long big night. The Earth will stop turning,
that’s for sure. Love would be written all over this special event. But before
I get carried away, he is most probably straight, even if I have my doubts.
First he is too comfortable with my
flirting, he had girlfriends before, and apparently he had a date last week
with one of them. That does not look like someone incapable of accepting his
homosexuality, it sounds more like a Metrosexual. Someone who is comfortable
with the thought that men could be attracted to them, but ultimately would
never go any further than flirting on the edge.
So I don’t know what to do about
it. I don’t want either to become the clown of the office, by going for a lunch
with him, whilst the only purpose would be to get back to the office to tell
everyone whatever I might have implied.
He took two photos of me today,
why? What was the purpose of this? Again, I am reading too much into this. It
means nothing. But his interest in me seems to have gone higher since I started
to wear my black jeans, and black polo shirts, and especially my black shoes.
He seemed to think that I can be cool as well. And what he does not know, is
that I am light years more cool than he is, so I think anyway.
He is 28 years old, he has nothing
to show for it. He is definitely two dimensional. I think I have lived enough
on this earth, and in so many countries, and written so much, that I am living
in at least 10 dimensions.
Which means that I will have much
more to give to him than he will ever have to give back in return. It would
most likely be a one way relationship, I will give, he will take. This is how
empty I see him. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. A man who’s only friends are
the three insignificant girls surrounding me, cannot be that cool. Unless
somehow these girls were more specials than I first assessed. Which I doubt
very much.
The truth is that he could enjoy
this flirtation for months, when I would actually act upon it. That makes a big
difference. It means that he is someone who’s not mature enough, despite his 28
years. Nothing will ever happen between us, I know that. It is a game for him.
And I play it because I’m so bored in that office.
The difference is, that if he is
gay at all, he’s lost. He will definitely fall in love with me as if he had
never lived before, a bit like Leonardo, even though Leonardo is much more
complex and had some sort of background. And it would not be certain that I
will fall in love with him. Though he is so charming and cute, it would be very
difficult to resist.
But one thing that being older and
mature bring, is that I can stop myself from loving someone. I can understand
that it will lead to disaster before it even begins. The head is controlling
the body, not the other way around. It may be sad, but this is where I am at in
my life.
I have a life, I have a destiny. It
spawns many lifetimes, many relationships, many countries. I am going somewhere
and nothing will get in the way of that destiny. I might not know where I am
going, but I don’t care. I know what I want, I know what’s good for me. I know
where I will be in five years time, because it will be exactly where I want to
be.
He’s got no clue of who he is and
what he represents. He does not even believe he has any kind of potential. I
don’t even think he has any dream or goals in life. I asked him if he could
write conference programs, for a report I was writing, suggesting that he
should, instead of being the slave of that Chinese girl. He interpreted it as
if I did not believe he could. He felt the need to prove to me that he was
capable, saying that I doubted he was even intelligent. How cool is that, I ask
you?
I had to tell him that I sincerely
thought he could be responsible for his own conferences, and get rid of being a
slave, an assistant. I don’t think it registered in his brain what I was
talking about. He has no idea that I am writing reports for the bosses, on how
this whole company should be. I can’t tell them either. The bosses have hired
these expensive consultants to change it all, and in the end they will all
agree that my suggestions are the way to go. Because I have seen the perfect
way to achieve what they are trying to achieve, in many companies I worked for
before.
They are not asking for my reports,
I write them on my spare time. They obviously did not trust my judgment, my
experience. They need to pay big money to have it confirmed to them. I don’t
mind, I am beyond caring, since my single idea is to get out of this job. And
yet, everything I have written in my reports so far, seems to have been
observed. Even before I started. I am only realizing now that they have changed
a lot before I arrived, based on my reports.
And now they are addicted, they
want more from professional sources. Without understanding that it could only
come from someone with the specific experience that they are in. They were not
crazy when they decided to get me there in the first place. They knew I could
help them change, the way they wanted. They are just incapable of admitting
great work when it is there, something echoed by my Valley Girl.
Sad that I will have left them by
the time they realize what they had. Sad that they will be powerless to prevent
me from leaving when I do, as at that point they would want to say how helpful
I have been, and how all my reports were on the dot and will lead to happiness
and success. It will be too late then. I did not feel appreciated, I was
pressured, I was pushed out. I am leaving with a smile on my face, feeling
liberated from that nightmare.
I don’t even think that in the next
two months they will be able to change my mind, that place is not a nice place
to work. If people maintained themselves for so long, it must be out of
necessity, good paying jobs they could not so easily abandon from fears of
looking like useless people to the people they’re living with. And a lack of
guts to get out there and find a better job.
These small minded people make me sick.
I would have thought to meet them in
1 February 2006
Like a young actor who has not made
it yet in